admin
22 December 2023
The holiday season is coming around again, and, believe me, I'm excited. I really am. But there is this one teeny thing that kind of puts a knot in my stomach. Actually, it's not so teeny. And it's not so much a knot in my stomach, as it is a stick up my candy ass.
I'm pretty excited when I'm in the oven, baking up for the boys and girls. I'm really happy to be part of holiday festivities. But when I'm chillin' on the cooling rack, this sinking feeling comes over me. I know what's next: the decoration.
I'm all fancied and froo-frooed up like a sissy! Come on, people! Have some compassion! Could we avoid this humiliation for just one year? I may be hot out of the oven, but do you have to make me look like I'm flaming? Know what I mean? Yeah, you do.
Can we not use cutesy rainbow and pastel colors for my clothes? How about some icing that resembles leather or denim, instead of the stuff that looks like spandex and silk? How about forgoing that pansy-ass bow tie, and give me a set of biker chains, or maybe one of those barbed tattoos that go all the way around my bicep? Oh yeah!
I mean, what are we teaching our young children about masculinity? Would you be pleased to see young Johnny prancing down the stairs in a purple jumpsuit with pink piping and red lipstick? I'm sure you wouldn't be. And I assure you, the Gingerbread Ma'am don't get too excited when she sees me like that, either! These getups are doing nothing to help me,.. ahem,.. get up.
So, for the love of Christ-- it's his birthday after all-- this year, use the glitter and glam to deck the halls, not my balls.
I'm pretty excited when I'm in the oven, baking up for the boys and girls. I'm really happy to be part of holiday festivities. But when I'm chillin' on the cooling rack, this sinking feeling comes over me. I know what's next: the decoration.
I'm all fancied and froo-frooed up like a sissy! Come on, people! Have some compassion! Could we avoid this humiliation for just one year? I may be hot out of the oven, but do you have to make me look like I'm flaming? Know what I mean? Yeah, you do.
Can we not use cutesy rainbow and pastel colors for my clothes? How about some icing that resembles leather or denim, instead of the stuff that looks like spandex and silk? How about forgoing that pansy-ass bow tie, and give me a set of biker chains, or maybe one of those barbed tattoos that go all the way around my bicep? Oh yeah!
I mean, what are we teaching our young children about masculinity? Would you be pleased to see young Johnny prancing down the stairs in a purple jumpsuit with pink piping and red lipstick? I'm sure you wouldn't be. And I assure you, the Gingerbread Ma'am don't get too excited when she sees me like that, either! These getups are doing nothing to help me,.. ahem,.. get up.
So, for the love of Christ-- it's his birthday after all-- this year, use the glitter and glam to deck the halls, not my balls.
artid
1870
Old Image
6_4_gingerbread.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 04 (dec 2003)
section
stories