'TWAS ONE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas one night before Christmas at my awesome White House,
Not a critter was stirring, not even a mouse.
My argyles were hung by the chimney with care,
And Laura asked, “What the hell are those doing there?”
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Actually, they were drinking, and giving college boys head.
Laura in her nightgown, me in Underoos,
Slept in separate beds, like all married people do.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Five Secret Service agents ran to see what was the matter.
Away with their pistols they flew like The Flash,
Shooting to kill, paid by taxpayer cash.
The moon on the boobie of the new-fallen snow
Made it hard to see where their fired bullets would go.
When, what to their body-guardin’ eyes should appear,
But a gaggle of protesters-- probably all queer.
“Leave Iraq now,” they yelled. “Bring our troops home!”
“Sure,” I said. “No problem. Now leave me the fuck alone!”
More angry they grew, more big words they used,
They kept yelling at me, and I just got confused!
"You’re YELLING! I HEARD YOU! Now, LEAVE ME, I’m SLEEPY!”
But they yelled back, “You’re STUPID! A BASTARD! A PEE-PEE!”
I started to cry, distraught and appalled,
So I radioed the agents, “Go ahead. Kill ‘em all!”
Whose big idea was it to give people such rights
As free speech, assembly, and no curfew at night?
But I had to stop thinking-- there was something to see:
My Secret Service agents, killing Americans for me!
And then, all the sudden, a blinding white glow,
It was God Almighty! Well, whaddya know?
“Yo, Dubya,” He said, in that James Earl Jones voice,
“You’re fucking up big time. I’m a give you a choice:
Knock this shit off. You’re the Prez-- not a king.
Killing your people is such a medieval thing.
Just 'cause they don’t agree, and speak their right minds,
Doesn’t mean you can fire six rounds in their behinds.”
“Now, God, don’t be silly,” I said to, well, God.
“Do you know who my Daddy is, you ancient, hippy sod?
He brought crack to the ghettos when he ran the CIA,
And did whatever it took to have things his way.
These people-- these ingrates-- they give no respect,
I’m the boss of this land! They fund my paycheck!
If they can’t treat me like the great leader I am,
I’ll let my guard’s bullets show them who’s the man!”
Man, God wasn’t too happy. He kinda looked pissed,
He furrowed his brow and made a huge fist;
“Listen up, dickhead,” He growled at my face,
“I’M the big shit here. I PUT you on this place!
You’re raping democracy, and fucking your people,
I thought Satan was the worst, but you’ve proven his equal.
Either start doing right, and being humane,
Or I’ll teach you the meaning of deep tissue pain!”
“Okay, God. You’re right,” I said, deceptively rooted,
Then ordered my men to have him executed.
You don’t mess with Texas, even if you’re the Lord.
Welcome to the next Great Depression-- HAVE THE BEST CHRISTMAS YOU CAN AFFORD!