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22 December 2023
Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
FRANKLIN-STYLE
Performance anxiety sets in. I cannot think of a decent sentence to write about a reindeer with bloody antlers, let alone a whole story. The illusion of Christmas was ruined for me when I was five by my best friend who lived down the street. I didn’t believe him. Then I didn’t get the bow and arrow set with rubber suction cups. That was it. Ever since then, I have enjoyed giving, but have never liked receiving. I don’t like getting presents.
Back to the reindeer,.. it’s three in the morning, and I look down at my fingertips. The nervousness of the night has had me gnawing at the flesh on my fingers. Blood is collecting around the cuticles of two of my fingers as it prepares to drip onto my worn denim. Strangely, it seems as inexplicable as a reindeer having blood on all of his antler tips. He either gouged an elephant, or repeatedly and precisely impaled a much smaller creature. What do I have to be nervous about? Existential angst combined with the desire to find a mate. Lonely and quiet nights filled with the hum of the computer's CPU fan. What could go wrong?
One time, a friend gave me some smoked reindeer meat when she came back from Alaska. I always thought that smoked reindeer meat would make a morbidly delicious Christmas gift. Yes, I see it now. This image should adorn each package of Colonel Klaus’ Authentic Reindeer Jerky. I was just saying the other day that meat products in general need to have more images of the creatures flesh they contain. Like ground beef should be sold with a picture of a big comic smiling cow with a hunk of his posterior missing. Chicken drumsticks should have an image of a smiling chicken on crutches with no legs.
On the topic of marketing, why are babies always pictured on toilet paper packages? Who do these people think they are fooling? Why would I associate an infant who defecates in his pants, leaving excrement smeared legs, with my own personal hygiene? What are these people trying to tell me? They might as well have a picture of a 400 pound truck driver and a vat of chili. If they were smart, they would have a picture of an effeminate Republican in a sweater vest with one hand on his waist and the other limply at his side with his wrist cocked toward the ground.
Shit. Why am I exploiting ridiculous stereotypes at this hour of the night? And what’s with the bathroom humor? I should really be above that. Focus. Reindeer. Reindeer. Ahhh,.. never mind.
FRANKLIN-STYLE
Performance anxiety sets in. I cannot think of a decent sentence to write about a reindeer with bloody antlers, let alone a whole story. The illusion of Christmas was ruined for me when I was five by my best friend who lived down the street. I didn’t believe him. Then I didn’t get the bow and arrow set with rubber suction cups. That was it. Ever since then, I have enjoyed giving, but have never liked receiving. I don’t like getting presents.
Back to the reindeer,.. it’s three in the morning, and I look down at my fingertips. The nervousness of the night has had me gnawing at the flesh on my fingers. Blood is collecting around the cuticles of two of my fingers as it prepares to drip onto my worn denim. Strangely, it seems as inexplicable as a reindeer having blood on all of his antler tips. He either gouged an elephant, or repeatedly and precisely impaled a much smaller creature. What do I have to be nervous about? Existential angst combined with the desire to find a mate. Lonely and quiet nights filled with the hum of the computer's CPU fan. What could go wrong?
One time, a friend gave me some smoked reindeer meat when she came back from Alaska. I always thought that smoked reindeer meat would make a morbidly delicious Christmas gift. Yes, I see it now. This image should adorn each package of Colonel Klaus’ Authentic Reindeer Jerky. I was just saying the other day that meat products in general need to have more images of the creatures flesh they contain. Like ground beef should be sold with a picture of a big comic smiling cow with a hunk of his posterior missing. Chicken drumsticks should have an image of a smiling chicken on crutches with no legs.
On the topic of marketing, why are babies always pictured on toilet paper packages? Who do these people think they are fooling? Why would I associate an infant who defecates in his pants, leaving excrement smeared legs, with my own personal hygiene? What are these people trying to tell me? They might as well have a picture of a 400 pound truck driver and a vat of chili. If they were smart, they would have a picture of an effeminate Republican in a sweater vest with one hand on his waist and the other limply at his side with his wrist cocked toward the ground.
Shit. Why am I exploiting ridiculous stereotypes at this hour of the night? And what’s with the bathroom humor? I should really be above that. Focus. Reindeer. Reindeer. Ahhh,.. never mind.
artid
1888
Old Image
6_4_reindeer.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 04 (dec 2003)
section
stories