admin
22 December 2023
Happy New Year, one and all. I trust your Holidays were better spent than mine.
After tracking Saddam to his hometown of Tikrit-- rumor had him working a booth at the local Korean nail shop, masquerading as a woman named "Too Bookoo"-- I managed to trap his nappy ass. I was one pubic hair away from collecting my $25 million reward, when some gung-ho GIs stormed in and took him back.
Now all I have to show for my time in Iraq is a bad case of sand chiggers. And by "bad", I mean the "genital kind". Thanks, Uncle Sam.
Obviously, my Christmas didn't turn out quite the way I had hoped. Not only did I lose out on my chance to run a self-financed presidential campaign, I also didn't get to buy presents for everyone on my list. That said, here are a few things I would've given them, had I the money and opportunity.
GEORGE "DUBYA" BUSH: A clue. There's a reason the entire Arab world hates us, and it has nothing to do with our way of life. More like our way of taking life. Usually Arab life, at that.
DICK CHENEY (BEFORE HE DICKS YOU): Scruples. Not the game, but real, honest-to-God scruples. The game would probably make his head explode. On second thought, give him the game.
HALLIBURTON: What do you give the company that already has everything?
DONALD "LONGFELLOW" RUMSFELD: Successful sales of his new poetry collection, Pieces of Intelligence. Order it here.
SADDAM BIN LADEN: A date with the style gurus from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
OSAMA BIN HUSSEIN: Drawn-out U.S. invasions of Iran and/or North Korea. After all, the longer we're at war, the longer we can avoid having to search for the man actually responsible for 9/11.
THE PEOPLE OF IRAQ: Their country back. (Minus the oil, of course. That belongs to us. And by "us", I mean "Halliburton".)
HUMMER DRIVERS: A good proctologist to remove my foot from their ass for driving an 8 MPG behemoth to the mall while we have boys getting killed overseas for cheap gas. Way to go, Soccer Mom and Pinky-Dick Dad!
RUSH: A sports talk show on BET. And some crack.
BILL "THE BOOK OF VIRTUES" BENNETT: A print of "Dogs Playing Poker". And some crack.
DENNIS KUCINICH: Five more inches. (Interpret that any way you'd like.)
WAYNE CHINSANG: Another murder/resurrection episode. Even Jesus only did it once.
JESUS: His message back. As well as a plague of weeping sores upon the houses of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, BushCo, and everyone else guilty of corrupting His words to further their own misguided agendas.
SANTA CLAUS: His own Republican-sanctioned "Road Map to Peace". It's time to settle his 2000-year feud with Jesus once and for all.
MARTHA STEWART: Soap On A Rope. Even in girl prison, that's a good thing.
MICHAEL JACKSON: A position in the Catholic Church. (And I'm not talking about the Missionary one.)
THE POPE: Stronger neck muscles. Or a lighter pointy hat.
After tracking Saddam to his hometown of Tikrit-- rumor had him working a booth at the local Korean nail shop, masquerading as a woman named "Too Bookoo"-- I managed to trap his nappy ass. I was one pubic hair away from collecting my $25 million reward, when some gung-ho GIs stormed in and took him back.
Now all I have to show for my time in Iraq is a bad case of sand chiggers. And by "bad", I mean the "genital kind". Thanks, Uncle Sam.
Obviously, my Christmas didn't turn out quite the way I had hoped. Not only did I lose out on my chance to run a self-financed presidential campaign, I also didn't get to buy presents for everyone on my list. That said, here are a few things I would've given them, had I the money and opportunity.
GEORGE "DUBYA" BUSH: A clue. There's a reason the entire Arab world hates us, and it has nothing to do with our way of life. More like our way of taking life. Usually Arab life, at that.
DICK CHENEY (BEFORE HE DICKS YOU): Scruples. Not the game, but real, honest-to-God scruples. The game would probably make his head explode. On second thought, give him the game.
HALLIBURTON: What do you give the company that already has everything?
DONALD "LONGFELLOW" RUMSFELD: Successful sales of his new poetry collection, Pieces of Intelligence. Order it here.
SADDAM BIN LADEN: A date with the style gurus from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
OSAMA BIN HUSSEIN: Drawn-out U.S. invasions of Iran and/or North Korea. After all, the longer we're at war, the longer we can avoid having to search for the man actually responsible for 9/11.
THE PEOPLE OF IRAQ: Their country back. (Minus the oil, of course. That belongs to us. And by "us", I mean "Halliburton".)
HUMMER DRIVERS: A good proctologist to remove my foot from their ass for driving an 8 MPG behemoth to the mall while we have boys getting killed overseas for cheap gas. Way to go, Soccer Mom and Pinky-Dick Dad!
RUSH: A sports talk show on BET. And some crack.
BILL "THE BOOK OF VIRTUES" BENNETT: A print of "Dogs Playing Poker". And some crack.
DENNIS KUCINICH: Five more inches. (Interpret that any way you'd like.)
WAYNE CHINSANG: Another murder/resurrection episode. Even Jesus only did it once.
JESUS: His message back. As well as a plague of weeping sores upon the houses of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, BushCo, and everyone else guilty of corrupting His words to further their own misguided agendas.
SANTA CLAUS: His own Republican-sanctioned "Road Map to Peace". It's time to settle his 2000-year feud with Jesus once and for all.
MARTHA STEWART: Soap On A Rope. Even in girl prison, that's a good thing.
MICHAEL JACKSON: A position in the Catholic Church. (And I'm not talking about the Missionary one.)
THE POPE: Stronger neck muscles. Or a lighter pointy hat.
artid
1921
Old Image
6_5_newyear.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 05 (jan 2004)
section
stories