A NEW YEAR, PART DEUX

My apologies. Evidently, the State Department was a little upset with my taking credit for capturing Saddam. (Suddenly these guys are worried about the truth?) So upset, in fact, that they stiffed me on the $25 million reward. When I complained, however, they offered to make it up to me with a two-week, all-expenses paid trip to what Donald Rumsfeld once described as a "tropical paradise". Of course, I figure if it's good enough for Rummy, it's good enough for me, so I immediately accepted their offer. Imagine my surprise, then, to find myself spending a fortnight in solitary confinement at Guantanamo Bay.
Of course, 14 days in the hole also meant 14 days without access to a writing instrument. All of which is my excuse, such that it is, for the slight delay in publishing my list of New Year's Resolutions.
And the first resolution on my list this year is to stay the hell out of Gitmo! Even with the coconut-scented tropical breezes, that place was riper than a New York City cab drivers' convention.
Next on the list, I resolve to stop calling Rush Limbaugh a pig-headed, drug-addicted, hypocritical blowhard. Technically, his head is more pumpkin-shaped. (Thanks to my lovely wife, Vanessa, for that joke.)
I also resolve to stop referring to Steve Jobs, founder of Apple, as the Antichrist. Clearly, he looks nothing like George W. Bush.
Speaking of which, I will try not to dwell on the fact that Dubya lied about Saddam. Or that he lied about Osama. Or that he lied about his military record. Or that,.. oh, who am I kidding? That guy lies more often than I spank. Of course I'm gonna call him on it.
As one of those responsible for both Saddam and Osama, Dick Cheney makes an easy target. However, I resolve to no longer make fun of his 23-- and counting-- heart attacks. Primarily, because I don't believe he actually has a heart.
And while I will continue to plug Donald Rumsfeld's book of poetry, Pieces of Intelligence, I will no longer make fun of his two-inch pee-pee. (Longer. Get it?)
I also resolve to stop calling Michael Jackson any of the following: Father Jacko, Brother Jacko, or Sister Jacko. It's not fair to the normal pedophiles. And by "normal pedophiles", I mean the Catholic Church.
I also promise to at least try not to confuse the message of Jesus with the messengers who have appropriated His word for their own political and material gains.
And while we're on the subject of God, I also resolve to never stop pointing out the hypocrisy of the Religious Right. I know most of my family believes I'm going to Hell for doing so, but the way these cretins interpret God's Word is just so wrongheaded, I can't help but point it out.
So, sometime this year, I resolve to write a piece on Leviticus. For the uninformed, the very same chapter that born-agains use to condemn homosexuality, which also says that anyone who eats shellfish should be put to death (Leviticus 11:10). Anyone care to explain that one to me?
Finally, I resolve to apply my butter knife-sharp wit to the Democrats. Contrary to what regular readers (Hi, Mom!) may think, I am not a Liberal. In fact, as a registered Libertarian, I think Liberals are just as full of shit as Conservatives. But since the Republicans control all of politics and the majority of the media, they just supply me with more material. However, in the interest of being "fair and balanced"-- someone besides Al Franken has to be-- I promise to pick on Liberals, too.
How about that Howard Dean? Boy,.. he sure is short.