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22 December 2023
Dear Franklin,
Hi there. Longtime reader, first-time writer. Listen, I was wondering: Is it premeditated murder to visit a rich, elderly relative when you have the flu, especially if I-- uh, my friend was recently written into her will? It's not me, it's a friend of mine. I figured I'd ask the expert.
Best,
Curious in Cleveland
Dear Curious,
Have you been harboring a secret yearning to play sweet and elicit games of love with said relative? Maybe start out with a nice meal; I don’t know, maybe some chicken korma with a nice Chardonnay, 1962’s quietly passionate Duke Ellington & John Coltrane playing in the background. After the meal is over, you gently blow out the candles and lead her off to your love nest, where you can proceed to ravage her ancient booty. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, Stewart! Why in the hell did you write me this letter? How could I possibly make the objective of this column any clearer? Should I call it "Franklin Furter’s Column Where He Answers Questions Solely Related To Sex And Love, And Refuses To Answer Questions About Wallpaper, Cars, Or Murder"? Don’t kill your relative. Remember, good things come to those who wait.
Dear Franklin,
What’s the deal with these penis enlargement pills and creams I see advertised everywhere? From all the pop-ups on the Internet to the notes my girlfriend keeps leaving on the fridge, I can’t seem to escape the lure of increased manhood. Do these things actually work, or are they some sort of modern day snake oil?
Apprehensive in Oklahoma,
Gary Bedwrought
Gary,
You seem like a nice enough guy, so I think you deserve the truth. Quite simply, the only thing the products you have seen advertised will increase the size of is the hole in your wallet. And since you seem like such a nice guy, Gary, I will let you in on a little secret: If you want to increase your penis size, the only way to do so is not through painful exercises or expensive pumps. It is with Franklin Furter’s Extenso-Rod 49X000®. Until now available only in Japan, Franklin Furter’s Extenso-Rod 49X000® can provide you with the results you deserve. Sure, it has the same herbs and vitamins other products have, but it also contains a rare plant oil called Viromax, which can only be found inside of volcanoes. That’s right, Gary: Volcanoes. Who would have ever thought of looking inside of a volcano to increase one's pleasure? Well, top Japanese scientists did, and thanks to them we now have Franklin Furter’s Extenso-Rod 49X000®! Just look at the un-retouched photograph of my hand when I forgot to use the protective gloves when applying the cream. Don’t delay! Order yours today, to wake up to a whole new you tomorrow.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.
Hi there. Longtime reader, first-time writer. Listen, I was wondering: Is it premeditated murder to visit a rich, elderly relative when you have the flu, especially if I-- uh, my friend was recently written into her will? It's not me, it's a friend of mine. I figured I'd ask the expert.
Best,
Curious in Cleveland
Dear Curious,
Have you been harboring a secret yearning to play sweet and elicit games of love with said relative? Maybe start out with a nice meal; I don’t know, maybe some chicken korma with a nice Chardonnay, 1962’s quietly passionate Duke Ellington & John Coltrane playing in the background. After the meal is over, you gently blow out the candles and lead her off to your love nest, where you can proceed to ravage her ancient booty. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, Stewart! Why in the hell did you write me this letter? How could I possibly make the objective of this column any clearer? Should I call it "Franklin Furter’s Column Where He Answers Questions Solely Related To Sex And Love, And Refuses To Answer Questions About Wallpaper, Cars, Or Murder"? Don’t kill your relative. Remember, good things come to those who wait.
Dear Franklin,
What’s the deal with these penis enlargement pills and creams I see advertised everywhere? From all the pop-ups on the Internet to the notes my girlfriend keeps leaving on the fridge, I can’t seem to escape the lure of increased manhood. Do these things actually work, or are they some sort of modern day snake oil?
Apprehensive in Oklahoma,
Gary Bedwrought
Gary,
You seem like a nice enough guy, so I think you deserve the truth. Quite simply, the only thing the products you have seen advertised will increase the size of is the hole in your wallet. And since you seem like such a nice guy, Gary, I will let you in on a little secret: If you want to increase your penis size, the only way to do so is not through painful exercises or expensive pumps. It is with Franklin Furter’s Extenso-Rod 49X000®. Until now available only in Japan, Franklin Furter’s Extenso-Rod 49X000® can provide you with the results you deserve. Sure, it has the same herbs and vitamins other products have, but it also contains a rare plant oil called Viromax, which can only be found inside of volcanoes. That’s right, Gary: Volcanoes. Who would have ever thought of looking inside of a volcano to increase one's pleasure? Well, top Japanese scientists did, and thanks to them we now have Franklin Furter’s Extenso-Rod 49X000®! Just look at the un-retouched photograph of my hand when I forgot to use the protective gloves when applying the cream. Don’t delay! Order yours today, to wake up to a whole new you tomorrow.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.
artid
1994
Old Image
6_6_franklin.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 06 (feb 2004)
section
stories