FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,
I know you get a lot of letters from all sorts of creeps with all sorts of whacked out problems, so my question may seem a bit bland. But I would appreciate it if you would answer it anyhow.
To start off, I love eating my girlfriend out. In fact, there are few things I enjoy more. Even NASCAR and the Red Sox seem boring when compared to her divine nectar. She always used to tell me that she has never been with anyone who has made her feel better. The problem is that every time I try to go down on her, she calls the police.
As a matter of fact, she calls the police anytime I am within 100 feet of her apartment complex. It seems as though she has filed some sort of restraining order against me; at least that’s what my parole officer told me. Needless to say, our sex life has been leaving a lot to be desired.
How can we put the zing back in our relationship? I understand that over time people become used to each other, and sometimes sex can get boring. I am fully willing to do whatever it takes. She is the one who isn’t willing to put anything into this. What would you suggest?
Getting tired of six-packs and porn in Mercer, Pennsylvania,
- Larry Gelding
First off, Larry, I would like to take this opportunity to defend my readers against your slanderous attacks. Well, wait,.. I guess I can see how one might think of the people who write me as being slightly creepy or not quite right. But that’s not the point, Larry. So what if a lot of people who have written me can be described as having a "different" outlook on life? Who are you to go around judging folks? What makes you so much better than,.. never mind.
So, you’ve got a problem. Well, let’s see if I can think of a solution. Hmmm,.. no, I don’t think I can help. Sorry, Larry. I’m going to call my psychic advisor, Madame Monsieur, to see if she has any advice. Until she gets back to me, let’s go to the next letter.
Dear Franklin,
The other week my current relationship encountered a major obstacle. I got off work early and found my fiancée having sex with my best friend. Franklin, I am slightly introverted, and do not have a very large social network. I feel betrayed, but am not willing to call everything off, as I feel that I would be too lonely to carry on. I don’t know who else to turn to; I hope you can offer some sound advice.
In his defense, Rex probably did not know the extent of emotional damage his actions would have on me, and has otherwise been the most loyal friend a man could ever wish for. As far as Samantha is concerned, maybe I have been working too many long hours, and ignoring her needs.
Roughing it in Fort Wayne, Indiana,
- Doug Louver
Doug, dear, poor, sweet Doug. Your tale has brought a tear to my eye. The way I see it, you have two options, but you don’t seem like a spiteful young man, so I won’t suggest getting a pet sheep.
No, sir, tonight at exactly 11:27 PM you should announce to your girlfriend that you are going to the corner store to get a pack of cigarettes. Go to the convenience store and purchase a case of cheap beer. Get back in your car and drive south into the night. Drink and drive until you reach the Gulf. Once you find a nice little ocean-front town, sell your car. Buy a fishing pole and a durable tent. Fish, write poems, fall asleep to the sound of waves, do everything you can to avoid humanity and contaminating its morale with your tale of woe. Perhaps, in a year or seven, you can become confident enough to find a nice little apartment and try rejoining the rest of us sorry saps. Until then, please, for the betterment of mankind, do not share your story with anyone else.
Larry, getting back to you, Madame Monsieur says your sex life can be found in the basement of the Alamo.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.