KILL 'EM ALL. I'LL SORT 'EM OUT.

I know we’re supposed to be at war with Islam right now, but before our God-appointed President wipes out the entire Middle East, I think we should reassess some of our views concerning Muslim culture.
Sure, we’ve got Arabs beat in most areas. Hygiene. Pronounceable names. Treatment of women. Treatment of vowels. That whole "flying planes into buildings" thing.
However, there is one area where we could definitely take a cue from our Islamic brothers: How and when to properly use the death penalty.
The Bush brothers' gubernatorial records aside, we simply don’t kill enough people in this country.
Consider the following: last week in Englewood-- a suburb of Denver-- a man broke into a pet shelter, stole three puppies, bound their paws and muzzles with duct tape, and then set the puppies ablaze.
The lone burned dog that survived sustained second- and third-degree burns to her paws. Melting plastic from the kennel she was trapped in dripped onto other parts of her body, and smoke filled her lungs.
I ask you, is there any reason we should let someone like that continue to walk on God’s green Earth?
Psychologists say research shows that people who are cruel to animals are more likely to be involved in other serious and violent crimes.
Really? No shit. Do the names "Dahmer" or "Ramirez" ring a bell?
Of course, if I had my way, these people would also be more likely to have their hands and feet bound with duct tape and set ablaze on national TV.
Anybody who would burn puppies alive doesn’t deserve to live. Period. For that matter, anybody who would abuse an animal doesn’t deserve to live. Neither does anyone who would abuse a child. Or a spouse. Or anyone who would rape another person. Self-rape is okay, though.
Molest a child? Buh-bye. Along with anyone who would help cover up for a child molester. Oops! Looks like I just offed half the Catholic Church with those last two. Pity.
While we’re on the subject, I’d also add people who defraud shareholders of their life savings to the list. Goodbye, Enron. Along with those who talk on the phone, apply makeup, shave, or watch DVDs while driving. Fans of anime should walk the green mile. As should people who can speak Klingon. Do we really want either of these groups breeding?
Speaking of people who shouldn’t breed, if you belonged to a frat or sorority, it’s time to swap your pledge pin in for the needle. And while I’m not responsible for what will happen to people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, I promise it will be painful.
I’ve no use for those who would knowingly lie to start an unprovoked war. I really have no use for peace-loving hippies, either, so put down the hookah, Moonbeam. The line starts here.
I promise a nice electrical display for anyone who puts up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving, including store managers. Along with those who leave said decorations up after January 1st.
Ironically, most people who believe FOX News is truly "fair and balanced" are overwhelmingly in favor of the death penalty, so they’ll actually approve of their own demise.
Finally, the jury is still out on people who voted for George Dubya Bush. Mainly because my parents fall into that category.