THE SHIA MAILBAG

Tina,
I returned after a long weekend, tired, sleepy, and hungry. I check my email, and, to my surprise, there is an email from you! How great is that? It's pretty nice of you. Now, to business. Please do not stop writing The Shia Mailbag. What would the older fans laugh about? You are really funny, and great at what you do. What is hilarious is that they have not figured it out yet. I thought that this generation of girls were smarter. Anyway, thanks for the mail. Oh! Can you change the picture in your column? He does not look like that anymore.
- Vimbela
Hey Vimbela,
Hmmm,.. still not sure what you mean by "What is hilarious is that they have not figured it out yet. I thought this generation of girls were smarter." (Pssst. Over here. It’s me-- Tina. I have to whisper so these girls won’t hear me. It’s, like, totally awesome that you get the joke and stuff. But, could you maybe, like, not ow-blay my over-cay? I need to milk this immick-gay for as long as I can,.. wait. Did I just say "immick-gay"? Ohmygod! That’s, like, the funniest thing ever. I should do an entire article in German or whatever language that is, and only use words that begin with "G", so my entire article would be, like, totally gay and stuff! Anyway, yeah, I typically print, like, every letter I get online, so if you’re going to refer to me, maybe, like, speak in code or something. Cool? You’re the best. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go discredit the validity of the "lies" you told. Wink-wink.) I mean, I’m Tina Peters, 14-year-old ball of awesomeness. I’m totally cute, and smart, and funny, and, like, I write for a real magazine about the awesomest, cutest, funniest, greatest actor ever, Shia LaBeouf. You must be, like, totally on drugs, or at church or something, because you’re not making any sense.
Settin’ the record straight (wink-wink),
- Tina Peters
From: PilarMark@aol.com
To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
Sent: Friday, January 23, 2004 5:35 PM
Subject: No Subject
I am Michelle Wellansky, and I have been trying to send Shia a business letter for a million years! All I want to know is how I can get a letter to him! I'm not asking for his address, I just want to know how I could actually send something to him.
- Michelle
PilarMark,
Thanks for writing! I totally know how important business can be. And there’s no business more important than business that has to do with Shia LaBeouf! So, how can you get a letter to him? I totally recommend the post office. It’s pretty popular here in Wisconsin. Basically, you put your letter in this flat paper container called an "envelope". Then you buy these cute little stickers called "stamps", which should be called "stickers", 'cause that’s what they are. Put your stamp (sticker) on the envelope, and give it to a mailman. Mailmen are the people who look like the police, but with really big purses.
Hope this helps,
- Tina Peters
Tina,
Hey. My name is Cam Phillips. I am 15 years old, and I don't think that you will probably answer my question, but please try. What would Shia's address be? Please tell. Talk to you later.
- Cam Phillips
Hey Cam,
Wow! Between you and me, I feel like Martha Stewart or something, answering all these everyday life questions. I just got done introducing one Shia fan to the wonders of the post office.
To answer your question, Shia’s address would probably be just like yours, only different. It would start with a number, possibly, like, four digits. Maybe five, because Hollywood is big. Then, after the numbers, there’d be some street name, like “Tina Boulevard” or “Peters Lane”, but not nearly as cool. I’m just using those as an example. After that, his address would have the city (Hollywood or something), state (California), and a zip code, which is five more numbers that nobody really understands but mailmen.
To help you recognize an address when you see it, I made this example:
Shia LaBeouf
1234 Tinaiscute Lane
Hollywood, California
98765
But don’t really write to that. I just made it up.
Always glad to help,
- Tina Peters
From: "Ayumi Moore" ayumi6448@yahoo.com>
To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
Sent: Sunday, January 25, 2004 12:35 AM
Subject: Way too obsessed with Shia!
Okay, it's probably kind of wrong to the mainstream people out there for a 13-year-old to be reading a raw college paper, but I got the link looking up Shia LaBeouf after watching the movie Holes, which is, like, one of the bestest movies based on a book since Harry Potter. For me, that's a big deal, since that's the only book series I had let myself be brainwashed by for about five years! Anywho, the question I want to ask is, could you possibly ask Shia if he would be willing to help a geeky but talented loser from New York City get a job in a movie? Yeah, I know. That was a really retarded question, but my dream is to be in a kid movie with a bunch of kids that all get along on set. But that means I got to get my lazy arse moving ASAP!!! Oh, you can tell him that, too.
- Ayumi Moore, NYC, NY, USA, North America, Northern Hemisphere, Earth, The Milky Way, THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!
Ayumi,
Girlfriend, there ain’t nothing wrong with a 13-year-old girl reading a “raw college paper”. I mean, after all, I’m a 14-year-old girl writing for it! Plus, it’s not really a college paper. I think all these people graduated. They’re older than me. And fatter. I think some of them have never seen a girl before, other than the ones who work here already, because they stare at me a lot. I don’t think they know I have a head, either, because they always seem to be staring at the front of my shirt when they talk to me. They must really like fashion.
Anyway, thanks for writing. The bad news is, I totally don’t have Shia’s email address or phone number or anything. I’m not sure what a “court order” is, but the magazine got one here, and it prevents me from talking to the awesomest actor ever, Shia LaBeouf. Your best bet is to try and get ahold of his agent. She’s the one who placed the court order.
Good luck, sister!
- Tina Peters
Send your awesome Shia questions to tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
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