admin
22 December 2023
Can you believe I got through an entire review of a 19-inch Spider-Man toy, and didn't make one penis joke? Maybe I am actually, finally, growing up. Of course, after proofreading through this article a few times, I know that isn't true. Oh, well. Yippee to a continual life of infantile humor and poor spelling!
From the dawn of mankind, one question has plagued the greatest minds of our time. No, it’s not the meaning of life. It’s the timeless question: How much articulation is enough articulation? Yes, it’s a tough argument that a lot of toy makers nearly avoid altogether. However, it’s a debate that one of my favorite toy houses has really refined.
Toy Biz has always really pushed the envelope in the amount of toy articulation they deliver, and their most recent addition is another shining example-- a 19-inch tall Spider-Man from the upcoming movie Spider-Man 2. It is really hard to properly describe just how well-articulated this behemoth is, but it is my job as an expert journalist to attempt this feat.
Spider-Man has 67 different articulated points. Sixty-seven! To put that in perspective, Winston Churchill, one of the greatest leaders our world has ever seen, only had a paltry 16 points. Every knuckle of each finger even has a movable joint. This thing is a complete marvel, pun embarrassingly intended!
On top of his impressive armature, he boasts a nicely detailed sculpture, and a simple, yet very effective, paint job. Every little web line on Spidey’s outfit has been sculpted on before being painted. That alone is a very nice touch. I really can’t stress enough how delighted and amazed I am that somebody managed to jam in all of these joints without destroying the sculpt. On top of that, this thing is huge. He’s a whopping 19-inches tall! Spider-Man eats your little G.I. Joes for breakfast and spits out their metal pins! It is a beautiful time to be a toy collector.
So, just how many poses can your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man hold? Let's just say enough to keep both toy owners and toy defilers very happy. You sons of bitches know who you are. You sneak into the room of some unsuspecting toy owner, and place his honored action figures in all kinds of despicable, carnal positions! When I was a freshman in college living in a dormitory, I dealt with this loathsome riff-raff all the time. I would come back from a long day of tireless color concept instruction, just to find Lieutenant Commander Data giving anal sex to Marvin the Martian, while the Penguin applied his "French Flipper" trick to Data’s backside. Yeah, it sure was funny. A barrel o' fucking laughs. Well, let me tell you, disgusting perverts who proved that my Data action figure was completely functional in a variety of techniques-- and I know of at least one particular deviant who is reading this now-- that your day will come! Yeah, go on, laugh it up. I'm sure you’re imagining all the intellectual fun you could have with Peter Parker; everything from a simple middle finger in the air, to the more sophisticated act of fellating himself. BURN IN HELL, YOU CONTEMPTIBLE USURPERS OF EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR!!!
Jesus... now I need to take a nap.
Yes, Toy Biz’s new 19-inch tall Spider-Man is sure to be a crowd pleaser. Just remember to keep your bedroom door locked on your way out.
From the dawn of mankind, one question has plagued the greatest minds of our time. No, it’s not the meaning of life. It’s the timeless question: How much articulation is enough articulation? Yes, it’s a tough argument that a lot of toy makers nearly avoid altogether. However, it’s a debate that one of my favorite toy houses has really refined.
Toy Biz has always really pushed the envelope in the amount of toy articulation they deliver, and their most recent addition is another shining example-- a 19-inch tall Spider-Man from the upcoming movie Spider-Man 2. It is really hard to properly describe just how well-articulated this behemoth is, but it is my job as an expert journalist to attempt this feat.
Spider-Man has 67 different articulated points. Sixty-seven! To put that in perspective, Winston Churchill, one of the greatest leaders our world has ever seen, only had a paltry 16 points. Every knuckle of each finger even has a movable joint. This thing is a complete marvel, pun embarrassingly intended!
On top of his impressive armature, he boasts a nicely detailed sculpture, and a simple, yet very effective, paint job. Every little web line on Spidey’s outfit has been sculpted on before being painted. That alone is a very nice touch. I really can’t stress enough how delighted and amazed I am that somebody managed to jam in all of these joints without destroying the sculpt. On top of that, this thing is huge. He’s a whopping 19-inches tall! Spider-Man eats your little G.I. Joes for breakfast and spits out their metal pins! It is a beautiful time to be a toy collector.
So, just how many poses can your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man hold? Let's just say enough to keep both toy owners and toy defilers very happy. You sons of bitches know who you are. You sneak into the room of some unsuspecting toy owner, and place his honored action figures in all kinds of despicable, carnal positions! When I was a freshman in college living in a dormitory, I dealt with this loathsome riff-raff all the time. I would come back from a long day of tireless color concept instruction, just to find Lieutenant Commander Data giving anal sex to Marvin the Martian, while the Penguin applied his "French Flipper" trick to Data’s backside. Yeah, it sure was funny. A barrel o' fucking laughs. Well, let me tell you, disgusting perverts who proved that my Data action figure was completely functional in a variety of techniques-- and I know of at least one particular deviant who is reading this now-- that your day will come! Yeah, go on, laugh it up. I'm sure you’re imagining all the intellectual fun you could have with Peter Parker; everything from a simple middle finger in the air, to the more sophisticated act of fellating himself. BURN IN HELL, YOU CONTEMPTIBLE USURPERS OF EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR!!!
Jesus... now I need to take a nap.
Yes, Toy Biz’s new 19-inch tall Spider-Man is sure to be a crowd pleaser. Just remember to keep your bedroom door locked on your way out.
artid
2197
Old Image
6_8_toybox.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 08 (apr 2004)
section
entertainmental