THINGS I THINK WOULD MAKE INTERESTING DILDOS

The remote control for my digital cable box.
A shampoo bottle.
The computer speakers that Apple sells. "SoundSticks", I think they call 'em.
A frozen knackwurst.
Lots of things at Ikea.
Colin Powell. (Doesn’t that sound like a dildo name? "Colon Pal"?)
A chocolate nut-covered banana.
A lightsaber.
Those thick, summer sausages that taste good with cheese.
Actually, lots of Hickory Farms' products.
A thermometer.
Some of the attachments for my vacuum cleaner.
A roll of quarters.
An icicle.
String cheese.
An egg roll.
Beaker from The Muppets.
A Coors Light beer tap.
Anything bronzed.
The tip of an F-15 fighter jet.
My sunglasses case.
Magic Markers.
Certain vases.
A seatless unicycle.
A chimichanga.
A clarinet or oboe.
Chalk.
Um... that’s it. If anyone tries to stick one of these in an orifice, please let me know how it goes. Also, that’s gross.