FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,
Look, I don’t want to go into any details or anything, but through some sort of a mix-up I managed to Super Glue a certain part of my body to my hand. It really hasn’t been that much of an inconvenience, since I am not seeing anyone at present. But I have lost my job, and am quickly running out of funds. I am not ready to resolve my "problem" per se, but I am wondering if you know of any ways I can work from home to support my newfound "lifestyle".
Falling in love with myself again and again,
- Bryan Mardou
Bryan,
First off, call up a grocery store and bribe them to deliver you some nail polish remover. The parts of your body which are bonded are not receiving enough oxygen, and are sure to suffer irreversible damage. As far as your newfound "lifestyle"-- which I am assuming is some sort of erotic hermit-like existence-- there are many career opportunities which you could find most fulfilling. For instance, you could be a parking lot attendant, or even a truck driver. Both jobs would provide you with countless hours and opportunities for inconspicuous self-loving, while also providing you with an income.
Dear Franklin,
I think you were a bit harsh to the reader last month, whose girlfriend cheated on him. People make mistakes; they learn from them and grow. Oftentimes, these little faux pas can make people realize just how much they care about each other, and make their relationships grow even stronger. By advocating escapism, you are only hurting his chances of developing into a strong individual capable of maintaining a strong relationship. Nobody’s perfect, in Chattanooga or anywhere else for that matter.
- Clark Priestly
Hey, everybody! Look at me! My name’s Clark, and I am sooo smart! Well, Clark, if you’re so smart, why aren’t you writing this column? And for that matter, why are you even reading it? It seems to me that you already have all the answers. Look, that guy’s girlfriend had intercourse with his dog. Do you honestly think he could just let sleeping, um, frogs lie and just forget about it? What would happen if she ever asked him to get her slippers for her, or if during sex he felt like mounting her from behind? Think of the mental trauma! No, sir, I firmly believe you are wrong. This man does not deserve to live his life tormented by the idiotic actions of his so-called "friends".
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.