YOU CAN'T SPELL ''SHELLFISH'' WITHOUT ''HELL''

(With all apologies to my loving family.)
What the fuck is up with Christianity these days?
Our fearful leader (and, evidently, a lot of other chuckleheads) believes he was called by God to be president, and, thusly, to lead our country's ongoing Holy War against Islam.
Never mind that thousands of innocent Iraqis and Afghanis have been killed in George's war. The Bible doesn't mention anything about "collateral damage" being a sin, so, evangelically speaking, that's a non-issue.
Not only is George gung-ho on leading another bloody Crusade through the Middle East, but now he and other zealots are mounting a cultural Crusade here at home, doing everything in their power to make sure all Americans are living according to Biblical law.
Of course, the fact that they disobey Biblical laws by the Bushelful matters not. After all, nothing makes a Christian happier than telling someone else how to live his or her life.
So now every time I turn on talk radio or FOX News, I'm confronted with some fuckstain claiming to be a messenger of "God's love", preaching about the immorality of our culture, indecency on the airwaves, government-sponsored censorship, or, the topic du jour, how we should amend the Constitution to outlaw same-sex marriages because the Bible says homosexuality is an "abomination".
Now, the fuckstains do have a point. I looked it up, and they're absolutely right. The Bible does indeed say that homosexuality is a sin.
However, during my research I discovered the Bible also considers a lot of other shit to be just as sinful; a fact that said fuckstains, in their zeal to condemn homosexuals, conveniently choose to ignore.
For instance:
Eating shellfish is an abomination. (Leviticus 11:10)
Working on Sunday is punishable by death. (Exodus 35:2)
It's okay to sell your daughter into slavery. (Exodus 21:7)
Owning slaves is permitted, as long as they are purchased from neighboring nations. (Leviticus 25:44)
It's wrong to approach an altar if you have a defect of sight. (Leviticus 21:20)
Haircuts, beard trims, and tattoos are major no-noes. (Leviticus 19:27-28)
Touching the skin of a dead pig is forbidden. (Evidently, someone forgot to tell the NFL prayer circles.) (Leviticus 11:6-8)
Planting two crops in the same field, and/or wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread is not allowed. (Leviticus 19:19)
Cursing and blaspheming is verboten, unless you'd like to be stoned by the entire village. (Leviticus 24:10-16)
And these are just a few of the easier-to-find examples.
Of course, I've heard all the arguments about how the Bible was written in a different era, and not everything in it is applicable to today's times.
To which I politely reply, "Thou art full of shit."
According to your own Book, God's Word is "eternal and unchanging". So who gets to decide what part of God's Word is applicable for today? You? Falwell? Bush?
Last time I checked, none of you had the authority to change God's Word, let alone pick and choose which sections you want to enforce upon other people. To quote our appointed president: "There is no middle ground." You either believe all of it, or you believe none of it. And that includes not eating shrimp, not working on Sunday, and not playing football. Oh, and my personal favorite, believing the Earth is only 6,000 years old.
So remember that, fuckstains, the next time you or one of your appointed leaders take it upon themselves to start dictating national and/or world policy based on the "infallible" word of God.
Otherwise, Red Lobster's "All-You-Can-Eat Sunday Shrimp Brunch" is in for a world of hurt.