THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

D.J. says what?
Okay, so, why would two "adults" like Night Watchman and myself go to see what is clearly a teeny-bopper movie, The Girl Next Door? Well, it’s kinda all Kiefer Sutherland’s fault. I mean, he’s the glue that holds our favorite show, 24, together! And it’s through that show that we were introduced to actress Elisha Cuthbert, who is the titular (no laughing, it’s a word that doesn’t mean what it sounds like it means) role in The Girl Next Door. And, well, she’s damn hot. Sure, her character on 24 is borderline retarded, and her hair this season is atrocious. No matter. Elisha’s got this hot trailer park chick thing going on that makes it worth seeing damn near any movie for free.
But the flick was a bit of a surprise! First of all, it’s no total goofball modern day teenager romp. No, this is a throwback to the Eighties, when they’d try to get "serious" amidst the dirty sex laughs. And, if you’re in the right mood/emotional level, it all works. Elisha plays a girl next door who turns out to be a porn star! Holy crap! They live in, what, L.A. or some shit? Big surprise there, folks.
The lead boy in the movie, Emile Hirsch, while probably close to the same age as Elisha, seems way too young, but he’s fine. The standouts are Chris Marquette as the wacky, horny best friend ("If you don’t have sex with her, I’ll kill myself!" is a fine line of his), and Timothy Olyphant as Elisha's character's producer. He adds an element of menace to the proceedings whilst still being funny, kinda like he did in Go a few years ago. And Elisha, not being saddled with a semi-retarded character and horrible hair, is very appealing. Damn, I’m ashamed to say I liked the movie.
Night Watchman adds his wisdom to the proceedings.
I have to agree with the Deej. This was a Sixteen Candles/Risky Business retro kind of turn-off-your-brain fun. Although a little heavy on the "porn is bad, until it helps get us out of a jam" schtick, it’s a fun flick. To tell you the truth, I would have paid full price to watch a two-hour movie of Elisha walking in slow motion or eating a Popsicle. "Gulp!"
After watching the movie, I could have sworn to you that I saw every inch of this girl naked, but somehow the director just suggested it without ever even showing a nipple. That, my friends, is talent! Long, slow pans across and behind Elisha while she removes a shirt made me exclaim, "I wanna fuck her back!" This somehow repulsed D.J. in a way I never would have expected when talking about a fine young female like the soon-to-be Mrs. Watchman. Somehow, I never thought of the Sacrospinalis or Latissimus dorsi as sexual organs before. Thanks, Hollywood!