THE FLAT-D (THE FLATULENCE DEODORIZER)

I have bad gas. If you knew me, this would not be a surprise to you. Also if you knew me, you\'d know that I get much pleasure in sneaking one under an unsuspecting victim\'s nose. Is farting childish? Yes. But goddamn is it funny. I mean, let\'s look at it in the most basic of terms:
Our ass emits a stinky, offense odor, and it does so with a funny sounding noise.
If that\'s not comedy, I don\'t know what is.
So, I have to admit, I was interested in the Flatulence Deodorizer (Flat-D) product when a fellow staffer sent me a link to their website. I promptly emailed the company and asked for samples to review, and they sent them to me within days.
Now, according to their press kit, the following people should use Flat-D:
- People with various medical conditions. (IBS, Colitis, Crohn\'s, Diabetes, Lactose Intolerance, Gastric Bypass, HIV, etc.)
- People taking medications.
- Vegetarians and fans of ethnic foods.
- People in the training industry. (Teachers, Students, Actresses, Actors, etc.)
- Professional business people. (Doctor, Dentist, Lawyer, Sales, Cashiers, etc.)
- People concerned in social situations. (Job Interviews, First Dates, etc.)
- People working in a one-on-one situation. (Physical Therapist, Counselor, etc.)
- People working in a confined area. (News Anchor, Pilot, Taxi Driver, DJ, etc.)
Wow! That\'s a lot of people that should be using this product. They probably could have summed it up with this: \"Got an asshole? Does it stink? Use Flat-D!\" But, hey, I understand putting \"asshole\" in a press kit probably isn\'t the smartest thing to do.
So, what is Flat-D? Well, it\'s a keyhole-shaped pad that you tape to your underwear. It\'s thin, so you barely know that it\'s there. And it\'s reusable. That\'s right. You can wash the farts right out of this thing when you\'re done with it.
Now, my gas is powerful. Probably the best/worst of the whole TLC crew. So I was leery of the outcome, especially when I saw how thin it was. \"I\'ll blast a hole right through that goddamn thing,\" I thought.
But I was wrong. I decided to test it out on a Thursday night, which is WWE SmackDown! night around these parts. That means pizza and beer. Lots of it. And lots of gas. A perfect night to test the Flat-D.
For the first half of the night, I didn\'t use it. (As I said before, I enjoy the misery of others.) But halfway through the evening, I slipped it into my pants. And, well, my gas didn\'t stop, that\'s for sure. But my offensive odor was stopped dead in its tracks. Fphatty Lamar and Debbie were sitting right next to me, and I was ripping \'em like anybody\'s business. But, nothing.
\"That\'s fucking amazing,\" said Fphatty.
And she\'s right. It is pretty fucking amazing. So, Flat-D passes the ass test. It did exactly what it said it would do. The only real problem with Flat-D is that it does not work with boxers. I haven\'t worn a pair of tighty-whitey undies in over 14 years now, so I had to be sitting down to press the Flat-D in the area it needed to be for it to work properly. But, again, it still worked.
Someone asked, \"Why don\'t they just make underwear that is made out of that substance?\" Not a bad idea! I\'m off to the patent office.
While I\'m down there filing papers, check out their website. If you\'ve got a comparable ass to mine, I\'m sorry. But if you\'re embarrassed by it, get yourself some Flat-Ds.
I, however, was always taught to share with my friends.
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