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22 December 2023
Driving into work this morning, I got stuck behind some idiot who hasn’t quite got the hang of driving yet. Wrong turn signals, weaving in and out of his lane, braking for no apparent reason... you know the type. I’d say he\'d been drinking, but that would be insulting to actual drunks.
No, this guy was a dipshit of the highest magnitude. And it wasn’t just his lack of driving skills that clued me in. It was also the fact that he was sporting a \"JESUS IS MY CO-PILOT\" bumper sticker.
Jesus is your co-pilot, huh? Well, I guess that explains why you’re driving as if your feet have been nailed to the brake pedal. Like Jesus would help you navigate, anyway? He’s already died once. What the fuck does He care if you wreck or not? Idiot.
That got me to thinking about other bumper stickers I’ve seen that suck. Living in Colorado Springs, of course, a lot of them are religious in nature, but that still doesn’t excuse them for sucking Biblical quantities of ass. I’m sure God hates a stupid bumper sticker as much as I do.
With that said, here are the nominees for stupidest bumper sticker ever:
BABY ON BOARD – Thanks for the warning, dumbass. I\'ll try extra hard not to hit you if I lose control of my car. It makes much more sense to hit a baby-less car, anyway. That way, I don’t get smooshed baby all over my ride.
MEDDLE NOT IN THE AFFAIRS OF DRAGONS, FOR THOU ART CRUNCHY AND TASTE GOOD IN KETCHUP - Yes, and thou art gay, Sir Renaissance Fag.
ASS, GAS, OR GRASS - NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE - Fucking hippies.
MY KID IS ON THE HONOR ROLL AT (FILL IN THE BLANK) - You’re the same loser who hangs up refrigerator art in your cubicle. I hate you.
IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS CAR WILL BE UNMANNED - As opposed to the genius behind the wheel now?
NOT ALL WHO WANDER ARE LOST - And not all who are lost are douche bags. But you are.
I KNOW HOW IT ENDS. (GOD WINS.) - Really? Where did you read that? A 2,000-year-old book? Well, my book\'s a little newer, so it’s a tad more up-to-date. And on page 666, it’s says you’re a moron. Have fun in the Apocalypse, buddy. Save me a seat.
ATHEISM IS A NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION - This would be mildly clever if the chumpstain had spelled \"prophet\" correctly. Way to go, dumbass. I sure hope spelling isn’t one of the tests on which St. Peter grades you.
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE - Let’s see... chlorine is a bleach. Bleach turns things white. Oh, I get it. You’re a racist! Fuck you.
SO YOU\'RE A FEMINIST... ISN\'T THAT CUTE? - Okay, this one is funny.
NEVER, EVER SHAKE A BABY - What, are you suggesting I hit it instead? That’ll just leave bruises, Einstein.
CHARLTON HESTON IS MY PRESIDENT - This might actually be an upgrade. At least Moses has Alzheimer\'s as an excuse.
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF DRIVERS IN THE WORLD: THOSE WHO MAKE DUST, AND THOSE WHO EAT IT - Yeah. And there are two types of people in the world as well: Me, and the rest of the idiots.
No, this guy was a dipshit of the highest magnitude. And it wasn’t just his lack of driving skills that clued me in. It was also the fact that he was sporting a \"JESUS IS MY CO-PILOT\" bumper sticker.
Jesus is your co-pilot, huh? Well, I guess that explains why you’re driving as if your feet have been nailed to the brake pedal. Like Jesus would help you navigate, anyway? He’s already died once. What the fuck does He care if you wreck or not? Idiot.
That got me to thinking about other bumper stickers I’ve seen that suck. Living in Colorado Springs, of course, a lot of them are religious in nature, but that still doesn’t excuse them for sucking Biblical quantities of ass. I’m sure God hates a stupid bumper sticker as much as I do.
With that said, here are the nominees for stupidest bumper sticker ever:
BABY ON BOARD – Thanks for the warning, dumbass. I\'ll try extra hard not to hit you if I lose control of my car. It makes much more sense to hit a baby-less car, anyway. That way, I don’t get smooshed baby all over my ride.
MEDDLE NOT IN THE AFFAIRS OF DRAGONS, FOR THOU ART CRUNCHY AND TASTE GOOD IN KETCHUP - Yes, and thou art gay, Sir Renaissance Fag.
ASS, GAS, OR GRASS - NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE - Fucking hippies.
MY KID IS ON THE HONOR ROLL AT (FILL IN THE BLANK) - You’re the same loser who hangs up refrigerator art in your cubicle. I hate you.
IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS CAR WILL BE UNMANNED - As opposed to the genius behind the wheel now?
NOT ALL WHO WANDER ARE LOST - And not all who are lost are douche bags. But you are.
I KNOW HOW IT ENDS. (GOD WINS.) - Really? Where did you read that? A 2,000-year-old book? Well, my book\'s a little newer, so it’s a tad more up-to-date. And on page 666, it’s says you’re a moron. Have fun in the Apocalypse, buddy. Save me a seat.
ATHEISM IS A NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION - This would be mildly clever if the chumpstain had spelled \"prophet\" correctly. Way to go, dumbass. I sure hope spelling isn’t one of the tests on which St. Peter grades you.
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE - Let’s see... chlorine is a bleach. Bleach turns things white. Oh, I get it. You’re a racist! Fuck you.
SO YOU\'RE A FEMINIST... ISN\'T THAT CUTE? - Okay, this one is funny.
NEVER, EVER SHAKE A BABY - What, are you suggesting I hit it instead? That’ll just leave bruises, Einstein.
CHARLTON HESTON IS MY PRESIDENT - This might actually be an upgrade. At least Moses has Alzheimer\'s as an excuse.
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF DRIVERS IN THE WORLD: THOSE WHO MAKE DUST, AND THOSE WHO EAT IT - Yeah. And there are two types of people in the world as well: Me, and the rest of the idiots.
artid
2356
Old Image
6_9_bumper.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 09 (may 2004)
section
stories