RECENTLY DIVORCED MAN GOES FOR A VISIT... TO MARS

FORT WAYNE, IN - Recently divorced Mark Plover, 32, jumped out of his state of depression by taking a fantastic journey to the Red Planet. It seems that although his marriage may have failed, when this young man puts his mind to something, he really sets his sights for the stars.
\"I hadn’t left the house in two weeks, and was really becoming despondent,\" said Plover. \"I had just finished my usual breakfast of M&M\'s in a bowl of milk, when I made the conscious decision to turn my frown upside-down.\"
It was at this point that Plover had his vision of becoming the first man ever to set foot on our closest interplanetary neighbor.
Continued Plover, \"I was thinking about maybe brushing my teeth that day, but instead I decided to clean up around the house. I gathered up all the empty M&M\'s wrappers, and threw them out. But something caught my eye, like a vision of hope. It was the manufacturer’s website address. So I typed it in, and off I went; www.mars.com, here I come. Man, it was so cool! I mean, who else makes Twix bars, cat food, and Uncle Ben\'s Instant Rice? That’s right, only Mars. To top it all off, their company is founded on five great principles: responsibility, quality....\"
What the fuck? I spend all these years covering these losers, like the people who started the Women’s Bike Club (for men), and the guy from some dumbass town who pretended to be a \"local\" from some slightly bigger but equally stupid town. And just when I think I get my first cutting edge story, it turns out to be another twit. \"Oh, look at me! I’m a big, fat loser whose wife left me because I eat too much and spend too much time at the computer, and I went to mars.com! Ohh, ohh... write a story about me!\" This is complete bullshit. Never mind, it’s not worth it.
Officials at Mars were ecstatic, as Plover was the ninth visitor to their site this year.