THE SHIA MAILBAG

Hey! It\'s Tina P. in the place to be! Hope you got your reading shoes on, because I got a lot of answers to letter. I mean, letters to answer. Whatever. I’ve been laying out in the hot sun all day, trying to get, like, the perfect bikini line because Jimmy Swinson\'s parents have this cabin out by The Wisconsin Dells, and they’re totally letting him have an unsupervised party there this summer for his 16th birthday. Jenny and I bought these totally hot bathing suits the other day because we have boobs now, and boys notice things like that. Her suit is yellow with little palm trees all over it. Mine is hot pink, with two little hearts on my butt, which everyone will notice, because, like, I’ve totally been toning. Oh, right-- the letters.
From: \"Chris Brown\" cebrown35@webtv.net
To: josejgaribaldi@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey
Date: Tuesday, May 25, 2004 12:58 PM
Hey did Tina at TLC ever give you Shia\'s phone number if she did can I plz have it?
First of all, can I get a what-what for my man Jose for hookin\' a sista up with a misdirected email? For those of you who don\'t know, Jose is a famous artist and stuff. He makes comic books for all those fat boys who hate girls and play with funny dice in study hall. He really doesn’t have time to be bothered by a million emails, but as you can see, even he knows the importance of Shia LaBeouf.
As for your question, Chris Brown, no, I never gave Jose Shia\'s phone number. According to Jose\'s girlfriend, he’s not allowed to have phone numbers like that. It has something to do with that big weird bracelet he wears on his ankle, and how he had to go door-to-door when he moved into his neighborhood and tell people that he was a \"pedder hast\" or something like that.
Thanks for writing, though!
Awesomely yours,
- Tina Peters, Doctor of Shianomics
From: \"Chris Brown\" cebrown35@webtv.net
To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2004 11:56 PM
Subject: Do you know...
Hey I\'m not gay or nothing or a lesbo I\'m just a big fan of Shia and I was wondering do you have his address his email or phone number if you do plz plz plz send it to me!
Dear Mr. Chris \"I Wrote Two Letters In Two Days Begging For Another Guy’s Address And Phone Number, But I Swear I\'m Totally Not Gay\" Brown:
Yeah... right.
Viva LaBeouf,
- Tina Peters, Shah of Shia
From: Julia... a big fan of urs
To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
Sent: Monday, May 17, 2004 2:49 PM
Subject: ShIa qUsTiOn
hEy Do u nO iF ShIa iS sIngLe n HiS tYpE oF gUrLs?
Wow! \"...a big fan of urs?\" \"Urs\" is me, right? This is totally awesome! I am, like, flattered to the max, Julia. And can I just say I totally love your handwriting-- er, typewriting? Whatever. It is, like, the most interesting thing ever! Do you have a special keyboard for that? Like how blind people have keyboards with pimples on them, and, like, one pimple equals the letter \"a\", two pimples equals the letter \"b\", and so on? Or how deaf people have keyboards that... well, actually, Julia, deaf people use the same keyboards you and I do.
Hope that helped,
- Tina Peters, Priestess of the Shia Messiah
Send your awesome Shia questions to tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com.