PETE COORS: PUTTING THE ''PARTAY'' IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

Pete Coors-- yes, that Pete Coors-- is running for Senate here in Colorado.
\"What\'s the big deal?\" you\'re probably asking yourself between long pulls on that nightly liter of White Zin. \"Congress has a long history of embracing drunken, loutish behavior.\" (Consider this guy, for instance.)
But here\'s the catch: Pete (or, as I like to call him, \"Petey\") isn\'t a drunk. He just runs a company dedicated to helping other people become drunks.
Evidently, the mere fact that he\'s a \"successful businessman\" makes Petey the single-most qualified person in the entire state of Colorado to be Senator.
Oh... you can run a business. Aren\'t we a shiny cockmonkey?
Hell, Dubya was a moderately successful businessman before entering politics, his trade of Sammy Sosa notwithstanding. During his 2000 campaign, they even made a big deal about how he would be the country\'s first MBA president. Whoopdee-fucking-do. Instead, he turned out to be the first MIA president. (Sure, a case could be made that Reagan was MIA on more than one occasion during his two terms, but the national mood dictates I lay off Reagan jokes for the next month or so.)
Still, you know it\'s only a matter of time before George gives Petey a ringing endorsement. After all, Dubya\'s also the country\'s first AA president.
Anyway, apart from his business \"expertise\", what exactly are Petey\'s other qualifications? I\'m glad you asked. For one, he’s white. He’s also rich. And, best of all, he’s a born-again Christian running on a pro-life, anti-same-sex marriage platform.
Well, fuck me in the ass and call me \"Clay Aiken\", but if that\'s not Senate material, I don\'t know what is.
Hey, Petey, perhaps you\'d care to explain to the voters why, as a born-again Christian, you let your company use fake tits and liposuctioned asses to sell an addictive, not to mention shitty tasting, product?
Oh, I know, I know. You\'re not in charge of marketing, so using the twins wasn\'t your decision. Maybe not. But it\'s still your name on the can, douche bag, so, ultimately, it\'s still your responsibility.
One not-so-surprising endorsement Petey recently received was from the brain trust at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. According to Thomas Donohue, President and CEO of the Chamber, \"At no other time in our nation\'s history has it been more critical that members of Congress provide leadership that protects and advances the interests of the business community. We believe that your [Petey\'s] selection to the U.S. Senate will help produce sustained economic growth and promote America\'s competitiveness in world markets.\"
I\'m sorry, but someone must have stuck a dick in my ear. Did he just say what I think he said? We\'re currently suffering under a Republican-controlled Congress and the most business-friendly administration in the history of the United States, and the head of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce believe it\'s never been more critical than now to protect and advance the interests of the business community? Sounds like someone\'s been downing more than a few cans of Jesus Juice on the back nine.
However, if you\'re still not convinced Petey\'s the right man for the job, then check out some of these gems from his official website:
\"That\'s why I am committed to streamlining government, reducing red tape and bureaucracy on business, simplifying the tax code, and tackling the tough issue of tort reform and frivolous lawsuits.\"
\"As a businessman, I\'ve lived within budgets and created jobs. I know we can cut spending and balance the budget-- without raising your taxes.\"
\"All the lawyers and professional politicians in the Senate won\'t change things. But I will.\"
I\'m sure you will, Petey. I\'m sure you will. Especially with such inspirational words. I bet he wrote them in crayon. But you\'d best be careful about insulting those \"lawyers and professional politicians\" too much. Or the next Silver Bullet you see may be aimed at your head. Followed by a short car ride off a bridge in Chappaquiddick.