THE GOOD, THE BAGHDAD, AND THE UGLY

Howdy-dookie, Americanyousees! As is the case with every appearance I make in this magazine, I have some really bad news. About 5,600 soldiers are being notified-- possibly as you read this-- about possible deployment to Iraq later this year. No, it was not in our initial plan. Unfortunately, somehow, Rumsfeld \"misplaced\" about 3,250 soldiers somewhere in the desert. Don’t that beat all? I had to laugh at that one. I mean, who loses 3,250 humans? Where do you put them? And how do you not find them? So, I had no choice but to call up some more dudes.
Now, I realize this is not the best thing for me to do at a time when I’m about as popular with American voters as food is at an Olsen Twins picnic. But there’s some light at the end of this ChapStick, and it’s a light that this nation so desperately needs: G.I. Joan.
You remember that cartoon, don’t you? The one with all the sexually-charged soldiers who had cool names like \"Shipwreck\", \"Snowjob\", and \"Hasselhoff\"? Sing it with me: \"G.I. Joan / I feel American heroes...\" Well, it’s finally been released on DVD, and it couldn’t have come a moment too soon. War is fucking awesome, and this cartoon proved it.
G.I. Joan was this team of good (see: \"American\") soldiers, fighting to battle the highly liberal Nobra Commander (see: \"Cubans\" or \"Russians\" or \"Iraqis\"). Nobra Commander and Breastro were evil, evil tyrants. One talked funny, and the other was James Earl Jones. The show eventually went to shit, though, when those fags from Nobra-La showed up and turned the war into a gad-dang Broadway medicine show.
Thankfully, though, you don’t have to worry about those episodes yet. That came later. The newly-released DVD (Digital Van Dam) features all the early kick-ass episodes I remember as a kid:
- The five-part \"Pyramid Of Darkness\" mini-series - Where Duke gets captured, has a mind control device planted in his brain, and has to fight a giant barbarian villain in a pit.
- \"The Synthoid Conspiracy\" - Where Nobra kidnaps American politicians, clones them, and infiltrates our glorious (and balanced!) system. But when they’re found out, they melt! Yes!
- \"Gorillas In The Mask\" - The one where Lady Jaye is kidnapped during a common skirmish and taken back to Nobra headquarters, where she is questioned, facialized, and forcibly given a face full of \"Nobra fur\".
- \"A Snake Is Born\" - Without a doubt, the most popular episode, where the true origin of the coolest character ever, Snake Eyes, is told. Burt Reynolds guest stars.
- And I forget the title of this one, but Shipwreck winds up fighting something called the \"B.O.T.S.\", kills one at the end, and winds up with its arm attached to his leg. Everyone points and laughs at him, but they’ll see. One day, they will find those weapons of mass destruction. One day, they will find that connection between Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. And one day, they’ll all turn to a certain made-fun-of-a-lot president and ask for his forgiveness, but he’ll be too busy saying, \"I told you so!\" to forgive them, and instead will have them killed! With lasers!
What?