EDDIE BOURBON, NINJA TO THE STARS: BLIND DATE - PART 1

Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars knew the situation was dire, but nothing could’ve prepared him for this. Not even his first honeymoon in Vegas. He’d received a call on his cell phone. The frantic, broken English said it all: Jackie Chan was in trouble, and not just at the box office this time.
Expertly, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars sneaked into the dungeonous lair. The stench of mildew and fear was almost unbearable. To his right were a group of rough-and-tumble biker types. They must’ve been some serious scrappers, because some of them were missing body parts. An eyepatch here. A hook for a hand there. One had a pegleg. Definitely scrappers. But seeing as how Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars had been in more than his fair share of fights, and still had all of his own limbs-- except for... never mind-- he figured he didn’t have much to worry about.
They didn’t hear him enter, but they were waiting for him. Must’ve been tipped off. \"Horsepussy,\" breathed Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars under his black-as-night ninja mask.
To his left was none other than Jackie Chan. He was shackled by his hands and feet to the wall, and was frantically murmuring behind the duct tape over his mouth, motioning with his head toward the bikers. Did he think Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars didn’t see them? \"What the hell, Jackie?\"
\"You Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars?\" asked the lead biker.
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars struck a hardcore ninjatic fight stance (The Pigeon vs. The Eagle For A Cracker). \"What do you think, mullet?\"
The bikers all jumped him at once. Each of them outweighed Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars by at least 50 pounds. But they were slow and dumb. Short work was made of them.
Flicking one of the biker\'s teeth from his arm, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars turned his attention to Jackie Chan. He smiled beneath his Robert Loggia-esque-features-hiding mask as he whipped out four Chinese throwing stars, fanning them like a hand of cards.
Jackie\'s eyes got wide and he tried to yell, shaking his head frantically.
\"Don’t be such a damn little girl, Jackie,\" Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars said as he threw all four of them at the Hong Kong superstar!
Jackie screamed and closed his eyes. The four stars expertly sliced through his shackles, stopping short of his wrists and ankles. Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars rushed over to catch him, and then tore the duct tape off mercilessly.
\"Ow ow ow!\" screamed Chan.
\"Sorry, Jackie, but it’s the best way to do it.\"
\"I know,\" conceded the Chinaman. \"Still hurt bad, though.\"
\"For real,\" agreed Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars.
Jackie Chan looked around at all the unconscious bikers, impressed. \"You have some nice moves, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars.\"
\"No shit. You could learn a thing or two.\"
Chan chuckled, and they play-sparred for a moment. Their boyish roughhousing was interrupted by the alarm on Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars\' watch.
\"Shit! I mean, shoot!\" he exclaimed.
\"What up?\" Jackie asked.
\"I gotta shag ass, Chan.\"
\"But what I do with these guys?\"
\"Look,\" said Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, \"I saved your ass, and now I gotta jet!\"
\"Why?\"
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars suddenly got coy. \"A, uh, friend set me up on a blind date, and I can\'t be late.\"
\"Oooh, blind date? Man!\"
\"I know,\" said Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars. \"Wasn\'t my idea, but she asked me to do it as a favor. Her friend doesn’t get out much for some reason.\"
\"Maybe she a beast.\"
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars shrugged. \"Maybe I’ll give her a thrill, anyway.\" Then something occurred to him. \"Uh, Jackie, you gonna cut me a check, or...?\"
\"Let me talk to my accountant.\"
\"Okay.\"
\"Usual charge?\"
\"Sure. Oh, and I have a PayPal account if you—-\"
\"No way I’m giving out my credit card number online.\"
Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars understood. \"Dig it. Well, gotta split.\"
Jackie frowned. \"Good luck on your date!\"
\"Thanks, Chan, my man!\"
Jackie frowned more. \"That get funnier every time you say it.\"
But Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars didn’t hear him. He’d already left without a sound.
READ PART TWO HERE.