FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,
There\'s this girl at the coffee shop I frequent. She\'s really funny and super cute; she likes the same bands that I like, and she\'s also into kayaking. Well, I was thinking about asking her out this weekend, but I came across a small hitch. See, I haven’t dated in a while, so I\'d become accustomed to \"taking care of myself\", as it were. Anyway, long story short, last night I was \"surfing for porn\" when there she was, spread out in all her God-given glory for all to see. Never mind the astronomically small odds of my Grail-like find; I\'m worried that I will now not be able to assume a comfortable facade with her, you know, seeing as I’ve already seen her junk and all. Well, that, and there\'s the fact that this kind of boosts her up on the Slut-O-Meter... well, maybe that\'s not a bad thing, necessarily. Hey, I\'m kind of confused here. How about throwing me a bone?
Amazed at technology in Detroit,
- Sam Marmot
Sam,
You truly are a man amongst boys. Your Internet searching prowess is truly of folk hero legend. While some people have trouble searching for facts about the moon or local concert venues, you just go about your day finding nudie pictures of anyone you want. Well, as astonished as I may be, I must inform you, Sam, that nothing will ever happen between you and this girl. Nothing. You see, that is the ironic and comical twist of pornography. By its very nature, the user is scientifically prevented from ever experiencing any pleasures of the flesh with said porn star. It\'s quite simple, actually. Just take XXX (for the pornography user\'s lust for the publicly displayed naked person) multiplied by the number of times the user has seen said naked person (in this case, we’ll say two). Divide that number by the number of miles apart the two people live (we’ll say five miles), minus the difference in the two people\'s salaries (we’ll estimate and say she makes $500 more a year than you), and then multiply the total number by zero. So, to simplify, you have: {[(XXX)(2)/5]-500}(0) = 0. As you can see, the actual odds in this case equal zero. I really wish you had contacted me earlier so I could have intervened. Golly, Sam, even members of the adult industry know about this paradox, and have built it into their contracts that they themselves cannot watch any pornography, lest they want to quickly find themselves out of work by the powers of sexual science.
Dear Franklin,
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
Forever yours in Richmond,
- Dotty Fairchild
You two-bit, cheap-ass, pickup-line-using whore. Don’t you know it would never work between us? I’m a mess. I’ve fallen for more women in the last few years than I own pairs of underwear. I can’t promise you anything, and I’ll probably deliver even less. There are things about me you wouldn’t understand, Dotty. There are things about me you couldn’t understand, things you shouldn’t understand. Wait, that is sounding a little bit too familiar. You know what? Never mind. Take me, Dotty. I’m yours.
HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.