NOW PLAYING: GRAND THEFT AUTO: SAN ANDREAS

Player One: Staff Member #716
Okay, I wasn\'t originally planning on reviewing this. I\'ve always thought the purpose of this column was to educate the more casual game fan about some of the lesser-known games that don\'t get the recognition they deserve, or to save them from buying some overrated, over-publicized, over-hyped piece of shit. Everyone who owns a PS2 is going to buy Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas regardless of what I say, and rightly so.
So why even waste the time reviewing it?
Because I have to. It\'s that fucking good.
Well, that, and because we shat upon two of Rockstar\'s other games, and it\'s high time we gave them a good review.
Taking a cue from GTA: Vice City\'s affectionately ironic portrayal of a time and place in America’s recent past, San Andreas puts the player in a reasonable facsimile of 1991 South Central Los Angeles. If Vice City was Scarface, then San Andreas is Boyz N The Hood. Public Enemy is on the radio. Gang warfare is rampant. Rodney King’s beat down-free life is drawing to a close. Tension is high. But the entire game is completely tongue-in-cheek, meant to be a caricature of the setting and not to be taken seriously. For every murdered family member, for every corrupt shithead cop giving you a hard time, there is a reminder that turquoise-and-purple tracksuits were at one point considered fashionable, or that the Sega Genesis was once state-of-the-art. Rockstar’s trademark wit is everywhere in this game, from the completely clueless radio DJs to the ridiculous circumstances some of the missions place you in.
And like the previous GTA games, San Andreas gives you one big unified game world to explore instead of the series of isolated levels games have traditionally been structured around. But GTA3 and Vice City were merely enormous in scope. San Andreas is massive. Whereas past games confined you to only one huge city apiece, San Andreas starts you off with a comparably-sized city, plus an equal amount of surrounding countryside, before adding two more giant cities with matching rural areas. And the game is completely without loading times between areas. I\'m still trying to figure out how they did that.
The soundtrack kicks ass. There are hundreds of different vehicles for you to steal. You can customize your character’s appearance. There are dozens of side quests, mini-games, and other shit to do besides the game missions. There’s literally too much to this game to talk about. Go get it right now. I’m serious.
Player Two: BDS (Bork Daddy and Sons) Das Bork
Here it is, the game that all you school kids will be spending every waking hour of Christmas break playing: San Andreas... a Grand Theft Auto game. (I just wanted to say it like that.) Like any good Bad Religion concert, this game kicks it hardcore, baby! This game delivers everything you ever wanted to see happen while playing the previous titles, and then some!
San Andreas is one massive game that refuses to get old. There is so much you can do. So many vehicles, so many planes, so many guns, so many places to spend your money, and so much mayhem! I mean, Rockstar did it; they made a game that is so massive, it\'s just mind-blowing the sense of freedom you get in it. The only new thing they could do next is let you steal an aircraft carrier. (Spoiler alert! Just to give you an idea how exciting the vehicles are, you eventually steal a Harrier jet and have dogfights in the sky!) Vehicles are very customizable. Steal a fast car and bring it to your mod shop, and you can add new rims, colors, hydraulics, nitro boosters, and more! Explore the game and I guarantee you’ll find a new vehicle in every area you visit.
Besides transportation, the game delivers an exciting storyline. It starts you off back in your hometown hood of Grove Street. From there you build up money, power, good looks or bad looks (up to you), fame, women, homes, business, friends, and enemies. And it all comes full circle in the end, to Grove Street, where you started. But when you come back, shit is all fucked-up, and you have to use your newfound resources to whip it back into shape. I mean, seriously fucked-up! Remember the L.A. riots? Well, they\'re back in this game. You’ll see burning buildings, exploding cars, and people stealing televisions out of stores.
Like previous GTAs, there is more than one way you can complete a mission. For instance, if you have to invade a military base and steal a helicopter, instead of going at it from the ground, try grabbing a plane and skydive (yes, I said \"skydive\") down to the helicopter. Being creative on missions will make it a lot more fun. Of course, they still have the missions where you aren\'t allowed to damage the car at all. Those I can do without (I never did have much patience for those).
A couple new features I’d like to mention are that, for one, you can upgrade everything you do. Running increases stamina. The more you drive, fly, or ride a bike, the more you increase those skills. The more you use a gun, the better you get at it. All this offers players a little something more to work for. Also, during the game you acquire girlfriends. I thought it was a pointless feature; however, I found out that if you go to your girl\'s house and plug in the second controller, you can play a two-player game! Now didn’t I say this game delivered everything you wanted?
How much longer can I write about this? Well, let\'s just say longer than my German sausages, at least. Put simply, you are a moron if you do not buy this game. However, I would not recommend this for kids. Seriously, that would be stupid.
Happy Christmas and a merry New Year. Good times are on the way, GTA-style.