AUNT FPHATTY

Ah, me! February is certainly the month of love: a sweet respite in the cold, gray winter, which brings warmth to the hearts of young and old. I’ve seen my share of Februaries, and, in turn, my share of Valentine’s dates. They are events that, without a doubt, make girls blush with anticipation. But such an exciting time has its hazards, too.
It’s quite easy to be swept up in the moment and find you’ve done something regretful. Even seasoned members of the fair sex can find an evening out overwhelming. And what of those young, inexperienced ladies? Who knows what horrors they can wake up to after a night of wining and dining. A foolish move made in one evening can result in a chain of events that result in a garishly rounded stomach. It will soil your reputation in a way that can never be laundered. I’m talking, of course, about the dangers of overindulging at St. Valentine’s table, and throwing your diet into a tailspin. So be warned, young and old, of the traps that await you on a date.
Many a thoughtful V-Day date will start the evening with the ceremonial sipping of champagne. Although the dancing bubbles might whisper your name and promise to calm your nerves, do not heed their call. The sugars in that devil’s brew will send your blood sugar through the roof, and is the first step in forever sabotaging your slim figure. But you wouldn’t want to insult your beau by refusing his offer, so here’s an age-old trick: act as though you’re thoughtfully sipping the beverage, but, instead of swallowing, let it slowly trickle down the side of your face in a very subtle, very seductive stream. It should be too discreet for him to see, but he will sense that there’s something very sexy going on.
You will probably be dining at a four star bistro with offerings of fat, luscious steaks, succulent duck, and lobster tails dripping with butter. But think twice before you order your meal. Conventional wisdom will tell you to impress your guy by ordering a salad for a starter. But the great \"Auntie Fphatty Bible Of Etiquette\" denotes that you order a salad for an appetizer and your main course. If you think this particular gentleman to be the cat’s pajamas, order only one salad, and instruct the waiter to split it between two plates-- one serving for each course. For dessert, ask for a single coffee bean placed at the center of a stark white saucer. Your gentleman friend won’t know whether to be more impressed by your self-discipline or your sophistication.
Remember, \"respect\" is what you want to command, and everyone admires and respects a hot bod-- nothing else matters. A perfect Valentine’s Day will end with a nightcap. You don’t need cordials or brandy; make yours a nightcap of love... literally. The only thing that’s as important as a girl’s figure is how well she gives head. If you’re a true lady and you want to make him yours, swallow. But make a mental note not to eat anything the next day. You’ll have had enough protein for a week, and no one likes a heifer.