admin
22 December 2023
You’d think a leader such as myself, who puts American lives on the line every day in the name of stopping the terrorists from eating our freedom, would get millions of letters praising his every move. You’d be wrong. All I get are emails from foreigners named Viagra, Cialis, and precious little seventeen-year-old Natasha from Moscow, who just moved into a new apartment with her three girlfriends, and has invited me to watch them have fun through her webcam.
If I’m not getting any letters from you, how am I supposed to write a column where I answer your letters? Easy. I’ll answer your letters. Literally.
\"But Dubya,\" you say. \"Isn’t tapping into our personal email accounts and reading the emails we send and receive a flagrant violation of our personal privacy, as well as our civil and Constitutional rights?\"
Well, if I knew what Constitutionals were, I’d tell you. But since I don’t, let’s assume they’re candy. You feel that your candy rights are being \"fragrantly violated\", which everyone knows is just a polite way of saying \"farted on\"? In plain English: you’re telling me that my reading your personal emails is farting on your candy rights.
That’s the talk of an insane person, my friend. An insane person named you.
I personally would never fart on candy. That’s just wrong. Sure, I have the right to. That’s one of the many great freedoms we have as Americans. But I’d never do it.
Now, the terrorists? Total candy farters. In fact, they have guys in their terrorist gangs whose sole job is to go to all the candy stores in Iraqistan and Afghanisyria, and fart on each and every single piece of candy. Saddam Hussein even had a room in his favorite palace that was full of chocolate bars, lollipops, and other sugary yum-yums-- a room he would walk into, pants down, bum bare, and just fart away, shooting each and every piece of candy in that room with farty evil! With each fart, he was basically saying, \"Hey, America (and Willy Wonka)! Smell that? That’s the smell of me hating your freedom! Maybe you should send some troops over to get me, before I send my troops over to America to fart on all the chocolaty sweets your precious country holds so dear!\"
Which is exactly why I need to keep reading your emails. Do you want to eat candy that smells like terrorist poot? Of course you don’t. You want candy that smells like freedom. And that’s what I’m trying to protect: your freedom.
Think about that the next time you’re getting really satisfied by a delicious Snickers bar... and it doesn’t taste like fart.
artid
3484
Old Image
8_5_dubya.jpg
issue
vol 8 - issue 05 (jan 2006)
section
stories