THE NTH POWER

I have a hard time choosing what superpower I would most like to have. I’d like to be the Flash, because then I could race down the street at supersonic speeds and clothesline people. That would be pretty cool. Even better would be to be able to fly like Superman. Except for the fact that you’d show up on radar, and the government wouldn’t like that. They would shoot you down and interrogate you. The Silver Surfer would be a good choice, but sort of pointless; you’d just cruise around like the guys on CHiPS all day. And I dig Spiderman, but web-slinging is a bit of a let-down in Columbus, unless you go downtown (and that place is like a fucking wind tunnel when it gets going). You’d get slammed against the side of a building and end up as a poster child. I guess I’d have to settle for using 100% of my brain. See, that way you could read other people’s minds or make them do stuff they normally wouldn’t do. I would make anyone who pissed me off take off all their clothes and run screaming down the street or just blow their heads up, like in Scanners. But if you think about it, you’d have to be on guard all of the time to keep your brain in check. This would leave you with a huge headache. You’d never be able to sleep for fear of your dreams happening around you, thus giving you away. Everyone would be begging you to “do this,” “fix that,” or they’d be like, "Hey, smokin' joe, guess what I’m thinking!" Then they’d flip me the bird in their mind. So I guess for now I’ll just be smokin' joe blow. Using my powers for good and never evil, living quietly alone in my super secret cavern headquarters located under the--