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22 December 2023
WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to CHAIRMAN KAGA, the flamboyant and eccentric owner of Iron Chef's Kitchen Stadium, in an attempt to become the first Iron Chef American!
Venerable Chairman Kaga,
I have been a tremendous fan of Iron Chef ever since its inception here in America on The Food Network. One thing troubles me about your show, however. You have a small army of master chefs representing the finest culinary styles from all corners of the globe, yet you have no one who embodies the spirit of fine American cuisine. It strikes me as odd that a man of your obvious distinction and panache would make such an egregious oversight. Therefore, I would be honored if you would consider me for the position of Iron Chef American. I began my apprenticeship at the tender age of 15 at Joey’s Curb Service, studying under master chef Gumby Washington, a leader in drive-in American dining. The experience was difficult at first, but I quickly excelled in the fine art of potato-blanching, and the time-honored tradition of deep-frying. Under Gumby’s stern, expert tutelage, I created the beloved “Mutt Burger”-- a kingly feast of fine, Grade D hamburger meat blanketed in a light pepper/Government Cheese sauce that could be served to our patrons' finicky canine companions. I soon added other delectable items to Joey’s menu. “The Gravy Bomb,” a health-conscious dish containing a deep-fried portion of 2% fat-free sausage wrapped in an effervescent slab of cured bacon and topped with pork gravy, quickly became a favorite amongst the discerning palates of West Virginian food critics. I continued my studies and learned the ancient cooking styles of Jive, White Trash and Microwave. The rate of food-poisoning deaths at Joey’s declined steadily as I increased in skill–- only four people suffered painful, intestinal deaths by my hands. Gumby, realizing his student had now surpassed him, graciously stepped down and offered me the position of Master Chef. His departure left an indelible and painful mark on my soul. I vowed to honor his memory by becoming the boldest chef in nouveau American cuisine. You, Chairman Kaga, can help me realize this dream. You will only need to modify Kitchen Stadium minimally to prepare for my arrival. I will need 46 deep-fat fryers, a 55-gallon drum of congealed bacon lard, 4,000 liters of Cherokee Red soda, 10,000 boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, two bags of Hot-N-Spicy pork rinds and a stable of sewer rats. You need not worry about frivolous items like fresh fruits or vegetables, as most Americans find these things detestable and beneath them. I swear upon the grave of my gay, dead uncle that I will destroy all competitors, ushering in an unprecedented age of glory and honor for the Iron Chefs. I anxiously await your reply.
Otsukaresama,
Master Chef frank putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
This month frank wrote to CHAIRMAN KAGA, the flamboyant and eccentric owner of Iron Chef's Kitchen Stadium, in an attempt to become the first Iron Chef American!
Venerable Chairman Kaga,
I have been a tremendous fan of Iron Chef ever since its inception here in America on The Food Network. One thing troubles me about your show, however. You have a small army of master chefs representing the finest culinary styles from all corners of the globe, yet you have no one who embodies the spirit of fine American cuisine. It strikes me as odd that a man of your obvious distinction and panache would make such an egregious oversight. Therefore, I would be honored if you would consider me for the position of Iron Chef American. I began my apprenticeship at the tender age of 15 at Joey’s Curb Service, studying under master chef Gumby Washington, a leader in drive-in American dining. The experience was difficult at first, but I quickly excelled in the fine art of potato-blanching, and the time-honored tradition of deep-frying. Under Gumby’s stern, expert tutelage, I created the beloved “Mutt Burger”-- a kingly feast of fine, Grade D hamburger meat blanketed in a light pepper/Government Cheese sauce that could be served to our patrons' finicky canine companions. I soon added other delectable items to Joey’s menu. “The Gravy Bomb,” a health-conscious dish containing a deep-fried portion of 2% fat-free sausage wrapped in an effervescent slab of cured bacon and topped with pork gravy, quickly became a favorite amongst the discerning palates of West Virginian food critics. I continued my studies and learned the ancient cooking styles of Jive, White Trash and Microwave. The rate of food-poisoning deaths at Joey’s declined steadily as I increased in skill–- only four people suffered painful, intestinal deaths by my hands. Gumby, realizing his student had now surpassed him, graciously stepped down and offered me the position of Master Chef. His departure left an indelible and painful mark on my soul. I vowed to honor his memory by becoming the boldest chef in nouveau American cuisine. You, Chairman Kaga, can help me realize this dream. You will only need to modify Kitchen Stadium minimally to prepare for my arrival. I will need 46 deep-fat fryers, a 55-gallon drum of congealed bacon lard, 4,000 liters of Cherokee Red soda, 10,000 boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, two bags of Hot-N-Spicy pork rinds and a stable of sewer rats. You need not worry about frivolous items like fresh fruits or vegetables, as most Americans find these things detestable and beneath them. I swear upon the grave of my gay, dead uncle that I will destroy all competitors, ushering in an unprecedented age of glory and honor for the Iron Chefs. I anxiously await your reply.
Otsukaresama,
Master Chef frank putzerelli
DO YOU KNOW A PERSON OR COMPANY THAT YOU THINK FRANK SHOULD WRITE TO? IF SO, EMAIL HIM AT FRANK@TLCHICKEN.COM
artid
296
Old Image
3_9_putz.swf
issue
vol 3 - issue 09 (may 2001)
section
stories