ADOPT-A-PAL

HEINI HYMEL: With a knick-knack, paddy-whack, give a cat a treat, this old pound can lose some meat. Mama had a baby and its head popped off! This purdy, cross-eyed Siamese mix is very unique. She doesn’t meow; she yodels! What a mix of ethnicities we have here: a yodeling Asian pussy! Heini Hymel will be your friend for life. She’s not very attractive because she got kicked once for her yodeling act that she performed in New York on the set of CATS. Yeah, right. I’m lying. Like this cat ever had a good life. We received her in a box with a note that read, “Get rid of this piece of homey jazz ‘cause I ain’t got the foods to feed it.” So there you have it, folks: the truth. This cat is ugly and needs a place to live, or it will die.
DAHMER: Now this mama really had a baby and its head popped off. Named after the famous serial killer, Jeffy D., this mangy mutt is great for protection. Chain him up on the front lawn and watch from the window as he gets baby rabbits, cats and occasionally even deer! He’s a great watch dog; I just hope you have insurance. He’s only bitten three kids and has been quarantined just once. This one is seriously ready to be put down within a few days though, so call fast and let the wet willies run wild! And remember, this dog loves steak and head cheese.
SCOOBY & SCRAPPY: Are you expecting babies anytime soon? Imagine two beautiful storks waiting for you in your front yard. Tell your kids that Scooby and Scrappy are here to bring their new little sister/brother! Storks love to deliver newborns to your front door. But these aren’t just any old storks. These are Marabou Blood Storks from Africa! It is in their nature to kill baby animals in the wild and peck their little brains out. Tell this to your kids. Say, “Hey, Lucy. Guess who’s visiting soon? The Blood Storks!” Explain to them what they do. Your kids will get a scream out of them! Blood storks are also known to peck at shiny things, like eyes. So when you pick them up at the shelter, make sure you wear sunglasses because these liver-faced mongoloids will peck out your peepers.