THINGS I'VE LEARNED SINCE LAST YEAR

Political correctness continues to fuck us up the ass, and irony is a time-sensitive commodity. Bill Maher and Dennis Miller know about this all too well. If only the rest of America could muster the balls to offend and defend rather than worrying about hurting someone's feelings, we wouldn't be in the shit circus we now find ourselves in. Instead, we buy American pride in shrink-wrapped packages and cheap designer t-shirts, all the while wallowing in a capitalist vacuum of greed. We cling to the idea of freedom, yet turn our noses to the methods of keeping our way of life. We have become a nation of self-obsessed, non-committal, reactionary pussies that will only see the light when it comes in the form of a blast that destroys us all. Fuck that and fuck you! Fuck the Pope and his legion of religious doom that wants us to forgive and forget. What are you people afraid of? Chances are that you've already fucked up your ticket to "Heaven", so why not convict these sick fuckers? Fuck the reporters that disregard national security in favor of an Emmy. Make sure you thank each and every one of the dead US military men and women in your acceptance speech, you fucking vultures. And while you're at it, look up the word “covert”. Instead of fucking us over, why don't you take some of those crack investigative skills you have and find Bin Laden. Now that would be newsworthy. Fuck the corporate vampires that just aren't happy with a few billion dollars. After all, why should you give a shit if the economy falls into oblivion when you've fattened your ass on the livelihood and future of thousands of loyal employees? Fuck Bud Selig for killing baseball because he's too pussy to stand up to Steinbrenner and Turner. Look, asshole, unless you want to see our national pastime slip into obscurity, grow some balls and make a change. Switching your Brewers to a different league doesn't count; they still suck and so do you. Lastly, fuck George W. Bush for letting this shit happen. Sure, things were fucked up prior to your "election", but as a proud Texan you should have blazed in there like Wyatt fucking Earp and pistol-whipped the country into shape. No, instead you're like Don Knotts as the Shakiest Gun in the West, and we're the Apple Dumpling Gang. Clinton used his balls to squirt all over Monica. I suggest you use yours to fix this clusterfuck.