JOURNAL ENTRY 3004

Everything with us has always been complicated. I might as well get that off my chest at the beginning. It isn't that we were drawn to drama; not like those folks you see on Jerry Springer, with their fancy fake nails and their almost non-existent mini-skirts, talking about who they baby daddy is. I think we just found each other at a time of complication and crossroads and turmoil. And then, we added our own. Selfishness, tunnel vision, and the failure of modern medicine created even more of what we were trying to avoid. I am damaged goods: high risk, high emotion, and high maintenance. It isn't that I don't love him, and it isn't necessarily that I am selfish. Or maybe I am selfish and I just haven't acknowledged it until now. It is hard for me to find balance because everything I am, have, and have done, I did alone. I came from nothing with no support or encouragement from those who are supposed to offer those things. I feel as if I am my own planet, orbiting others who take for granted the things I envy. And while being independent and self-sustaining definitely has its benefits, it is lonely and hard, and it makes me bitter and cynical. Being trapped in a past that I struggle to elude, and wanting the love and acceptance of those who will never give it to me makes me doubtful of the intentions of others. I want the good things, the things I know I deserve. And yet, when I get them I am constantly on the lookout for the negatives, because deep inside of me I expect to be failed. I expect to not be loved. Now, I am at a crux. I can drop these walls I have built, stop trying to control every aspect of every situation, and accept what someone who cares very deeply for me is capable of giving at this moment. Or, I can continue to be this person I have become and risk losing the good I have. I want to be the bigger person. I want to be able to take the risk. I want to be able to believe in my heart what I say with my mouth; that nothing or no one can ever be perfect; that love is hard; that risk is worth it. I want to stand up to the child within me and tell her that I am no longer a prisoner to my past. I want to be able to shed the parts of me that hold me back while maintaining the positives. I am a virus with shoes, and I am searching for catharsis.