SHIT YOU NEED

The title explains it all. Let's get down to business:
1. Donnie Darko
This way underrated movie from 2001 has everything you need in a classic cult movie: pseudo-time travel vs. fate, Maggie Gyllenhaal, teen angst, a chubby Asian girl in earmuffs, Patrick Swayze, so-bad-it's-good '80s pop, and a scary bunny creature. I know a lot of people on staff have seen it and sung its praises in this very paper, but there are still tons of people who have no idea about this. This boggles my mind, as it is one of my all-time favorite movies. See, young Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a troubled young boy who has what might be hallucinations,.. or he's entered a dream world where he has enhanced senses and strength,.. and maybe he can time travel a little. The story is so convoluted that it teeters on being a mess, but somehow it always manages to pull it off with great humor, depth, characters, and amazing performances. Fuck Maid In Manhattan. Rent goddamn Donnie Darko instead! Or buy it. Skip a couple of meals and use that money to buy this damn movie!
2. The 1998 Playmate of the Year issue of Playboy
Yeah, this might get me some flack. But damn is 1998's Playmate of the Year (PMOY) special. I got this issue back in college. It was given to me by a lesbian friend of mine. That made it hotter somehow. I ended up getting rid of it a few years ago, though. Then, like a heaven-sent angel of porn, a very special friend of mine gave me another copy of the issue as a going away present when I left Columbus, Ohio for Milwaukee, Wisconsin under false pretenses. Anyway, I dug Playboy in 1998,.. and now. Who can't appreciate airbrushed pictures of pretty naked women? You thought I was going to say the articles, didn't you? Eff that. I'm gonna be honest with you all: I'm a hetero boy, and we're all about the T&A. Is it something I'm ashamed of? Maybe a little. But that's beside the point. Karen McDougal was the glorious 1998 PMOY, and she just made life a little brighter for me. She was so pretty and seemed so sweet. Like that naughty school teacher I always wished I'd had. Changed my life, that woman. She was trying to be an actress at the time (of course). She's popped up since in the first Charlie's Angels for, like, a second. In the background. But damn did she look good! I recently saw her again one lonely night at her website (karenmcdougal.com), and though she's still, y'know, da' bomb, something's changed in her eyes. They're kind of tired,.. got some bags under them. She looks a little harder. It makes me kind of sad, like, even though she works hard, showing her terrific butt and boobies off all the time, her dreams of mainstream acting stardom haven't yet come true. And she has a feeling they might not. Or she's just lost some baby fat on her face. Yeah. I mean, shit, it's been five years. I looked different then, too,.. Irregardless, if her dreams haven't come true, I feel for her and wish her the best. Wait-- she still has more money than I'll probably ever have. Feh. Good for her. She's really, really, really pretty, and this issue of Playboy has her in her prime. And I'm an immature pervert with a heart of gold.
3. Pants
Ain't no two ways about it, you need pants. Sure, some people wear dresses or whatever. So maybe I should say "bottoms" as a catch-all. But pants sound better to me. PANTS! You can't just walk around naked from the waist down, your stained undies or junk there for all to see. It isn't accepted, nor should it be. It also isn't very sanitary. So, and I hope you're reading this, Debbie. Pants are important. Wear 'em.
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