BEING RICH IS THE ONLY WAY TO BE HAPPY

Have you ever seen a sad millionaire? I didn't think so. Do you know why? Because money is the key to absolute happiness. Think about it: extremely wealthy people have no problems. They're seated first at restaurants, have the best tickets to all events and don't have to worry about lower-income troubles like housekeeping or child-rearing. We have manservants for those sorts of things! I mean, you can't expect us to sip century-old merlot and dine on duck al'orange with a couple of rugrats in tow! To be wealthy, you need to maintain a presence on all A-list social gatherings. And being A-list means showing up kid-less. Besides, you really don't have to be there for a child until after they graduate from college anyway. Just feed them a substantial monetary supplement to compensate for the love and support poorer parents give their kids, and they'll leave you alone.
I know what you're thinking: "But, Charles, how can--" but wait. Let me interrupt you. Don't call me "Charles". That's something reserved for my peers here in the upper tier. You can call me "Sir", or "Mr. Lauright". So, as you were saying: "Mr. Lauright, how can you say that money is the key to happiness, when it’s clearly at the root of all social problems?"
To that, my little Commie tree-hugger friend, I say, "Poppycock!" The only social problem we in the uppermost tax brackets suffer from are the panhandlers and charity cases on the streets who approach us for handouts. Nothing stirs our posh porridge more than the thought of having to simply give our money away! Hobos and street people are not even tax deductible! That's all the proof you need that money is true happiness: having to part with it kills us!
That's why we also get angry when Democrats gain power in our fair and just government. They're always trying to tax the rich and help the poor with their foolish welfare reform, social service programs, and school vouchers. Don't they know that this great government of ours is of, for and by the people? How can they possibly think that playing Robin Hood and stealing from our precious personal bounties is representative of something we, the (albeit wealthy) people would want? I'll tell you how: drugs. All Democrats are drug addicts. And they sell dope to our children.
But I did not come here to stomp on my nemeses. I came here to tell you about happiness. If you aren't rich (and chances are, if you're reading this friendly little rag, you aren't), get rich. Somehow, someway, make lots and lots of money. Buy a company and fire all the workers. Use your record-profits to boost your own paycheck. Swipe from the investors' till. Patent someone else's idea, or just steal a job they already got hired for. Hell, register Republican! Do whatever it takes. It's not amoral. It's the American way! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to roll around in a few million dollars worth of cream corn with some high-priced hookers.