THINGS I LEARNED AT CHICAGO COMIC CON 2003

1. That a vampire by the name of "Jeff" preferred to have iced tea over soda with his chicken patty sandwich. Because, you know, iced tea is so “goth”.
2. That Captain America-- who, contrary to popular belief, is really a 350-pound black man that likes chocolate ice cream cones-- does not wear spandex pants, but sweatpants,.. with pockets.
3. That as long as you're sitting behind a table that says "Jim Mahfood" on it, people will ask you to sign Jim's books. Even if you don't look like him and couldn't draw a straight line to save your life. Like me.
4. That Rob Liefeld, who ten years ago had an entire tent for himself and his crew, has now been relegated to a crappy small table between the restrooms and the hot dog stand. Karma, Rob. Karma.
5. That Warwick Davis is really, really short. I mean, really fucking short. Imagine short. And then think smaller. That's Warwick Davis.
6. That you could have walked on to the set of any of the Star Wars movies, farted, and then sold your autograph for $20 a pop to dorks the world over.
7. That they will make an action figure and toy out of any person on Earth, including, but not exclusive to: Snoop Dogg, Elvira, George W. Bush, and all of the members of Alpha Flight. Yes, even Puck.
8. That the '80s are officially back, seeing as how everything at the Con had either a Transformers or G.I. Joe logo emblazoned on it.
9. That the Punisher movie is going to suck fat cock. Wait a minute,.. I knew that BEFORE I went to the Con.
10. That 30-year-old men who live in their mom's basement must get one hell of an allowance, because they spent more money in one day than will pass through my hands in my entire lifetime.