admin
22 December 2023
THIS MONTH, OUR RESIDENT CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST, DR. VINCIENZO GIUSEPPE BAGGADONUTS, GIVES PARENTS VALUABLE ADVICE IN YET ANOTHER ONE OF HIS HELPFUL COLUMNS TITLED TALK TO YOU KIDS ABOUT:
1. ECONOMIC HARDSHIP: We are going through a devastating economic downturn. Our president says there's hope, and that things are on the upswing, but he reads at a third grade level, so he can't be trusted. We're really in a recession, and frankly, things aren't looking good. Tell your children not to worry, that they're in the Lord's arms, and no harm will come to them. Even if they come home from school one day and find daddy hanging from the attic rafters, pink slip in hand.
2. SHOWTUNES: Remember debbie's confrontational piece on the power of sweatpants? How wearing them will send you down the road to self-destruction faster than Dale Earnhardt on the Autobahn? Well, be warned: Broadway showtunes are the musical suicide sister to sweatpants. Though their melodies may seem randier than Peter Brady with a bonersaurus rex, showtunes are scientifically structured to send subliminal sound waves that eradicate the biochemicals in your brain responsible for mental well-being. Once the depression kicks in, these Broadway “composers” riddle your psyche with highly unrealistic scenarios about flea-infested man-cats, masked stalkers with facial deformities, and some guy named John Leguizamo. Which leads me to my next topic…
3. JOHN LEGUIZAMO: The Columbian-born, NYU-trained actor/entertainer has made a name for himself as a powerful comedy presence. But when the sun sinks down into the valley, and the city streets are consumed by shadows darker than fear itself, Leguizamo slips out of his candy-coated comedy persona, and into his true birth form: half-man, half-rat. He scurries through Hollywood's boulevards and avenues, hunting down babies with his seedy half-man, half-rat eyes, and eating them, head first. He can currently be seen in the new Schwarzenegger romantic-comedy, Collateral Damage, where he plays Felix Ramirez, Arnie's bomb-diffusing Latino love interest.
1. ECONOMIC HARDSHIP: We are going through a devastating economic downturn. Our president says there's hope, and that things are on the upswing, but he reads at a third grade level, so he can't be trusted. We're really in a recession, and frankly, things aren't looking good. Tell your children not to worry, that they're in the Lord's arms, and no harm will come to them. Even if they come home from school one day and find daddy hanging from the attic rafters, pink slip in hand.
2. SHOWTUNES: Remember debbie's confrontational piece on the power of sweatpants? How wearing them will send you down the road to self-destruction faster than Dale Earnhardt on the Autobahn? Well, be warned: Broadway showtunes are the musical suicide sister to sweatpants. Though their melodies may seem randier than Peter Brady with a bonersaurus rex, showtunes are scientifically structured to send subliminal sound waves that eradicate the biochemicals in your brain responsible for mental well-being. Once the depression kicks in, these Broadway “composers” riddle your psyche with highly unrealistic scenarios about flea-infested man-cats, masked stalkers with facial deformities, and some guy named John Leguizamo. Which leads me to my next topic…
3. JOHN LEGUIZAMO: The Columbian-born, NYU-trained actor/entertainer has made a name for himself as a powerful comedy presence. But when the sun sinks down into the valley, and the city streets are consumed by shadows darker than fear itself, Leguizamo slips out of his candy-coated comedy persona, and into his true birth form: half-man, half-rat. He scurries through Hollywood's boulevards and avenues, hunting down babies with his seedy half-man, half-rat eyes, and eating them, head first. He can currently be seen in the new Schwarzenegger romantic-comedy, Collateral Damage, where he plays Felix Ramirez, Arnie's bomb-diffusing Latino love interest.
artid
61
Old Image
4_7_leguizamo.swf
issue
vol 4 - issue 07 (mar 2002)
section
stories