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22 December 2023
Last month, my wildest dreams were answered in the creation of one hell of a marvelous action figure: Stephen Hawking. Finally, the most intelligent man of our time has been recognized for his achievements in science, and has been transformed into a fine addition to the Simpson's action figure line.
Wow, is he the coolest! Now Stephen can not only discuss his open inflation theory of our universe, but also fight crime with his extendo-boxing glove and helicopter rocket chair under the mantle of "Hawking 2.0".
I was so ecstatic about my recent toy purchase that I couldn't help but show it off to everyone I saw. That's when it happened. Sure, I've been disappointed in my fellow human beings before, but I found this to be the most troubling. Most of the people I showed old Stephen to had absolutely no idea who the hell he was! I wish I was making this up. How the hell could you not know who he is? Not only is he one of the smartest men on the planet, but he has written numerous books on theories of quantum mechanics. He even holds the prestigious chair as the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, a spot that was once held by Isaac Newton, or the "apple guy", as most of you know him. What kind of a world do we live in where people are obsessed with whether Ben and J-Lo will fucking elope already, or knowing both of the names of Kathie Lee Gifford's goddamn kids, but have absolutely no idea who Stephen Hawking is?!? Just as I was about to drown myself in a public toilet, someone finally realized who I was talking about: "Stephen Hawking. Yeah, I know him. Isn't he that crippled guy with a computer voice who divorced his wife and married his hot-piece-of-ass nurse? Yeah, that guy's wild."
So, I stand corrected.
Stephen Hawking apparently isn't the intellectual I mistook him for, but a sex-crazed pretzel with a bionic voice. And he may or may not be behind the Girls Gone Wild tapes. Well, at least he makes a cool action figure.
Whoopee! The janitor used one of those green tablets in the tank. The bleach stings my eyes.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
Wow, is he the coolest! Now Stephen can not only discuss his open inflation theory of our universe, but also fight crime with his extendo-boxing glove and helicopter rocket chair under the mantle of "Hawking 2.0".
I was so ecstatic about my recent toy purchase that I couldn't help but show it off to everyone I saw. That's when it happened. Sure, I've been disappointed in my fellow human beings before, but I found this to be the most troubling. Most of the people I showed old Stephen to had absolutely no idea who the hell he was! I wish I was making this up. How the hell could you not know who he is? Not only is he one of the smartest men on the planet, but he has written numerous books on theories of quantum mechanics. He even holds the prestigious chair as the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University, a spot that was once held by Isaac Newton, or the "apple guy", as most of you know him. What kind of a world do we live in where people are obsessed with whether Ben and J-Lo will fucking elope already, or knowing both of the names of Kathie Lee Gifford's goddamn kids, but have absolutely no idea who Stephen Hawking is?!? Just as I was about to drown myself in a public toilet, someone finally realized who I was talking about: "Stephen Hawking. Yeah, I know him. Isn't he that crippled guy with a computer voice who divorced his wife and married his hot-piece-of-ass nurse? Yeah, that guy's wild."
So, I stand corrected.
Stephen Hawking apparently isn't the intellectual I mistook him for, but a sex-crazed pretzel with a bionic voice. And he may or may not be behind the Girls Gone Wild tapes. Well, at least he makes a cool action figure.
Whoopee! The janitor used one of those green tablets in the tank. The bleach stings my eyes.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
artid
1751
Old Image
6_3_hawking.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 03 (nov 2003)
section
entertainmental