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22 December 2023
Player One: Staff Member #716
This year’s award for Most Acutely Aware Self-Parody goes to,.. Rare Limited, for their 2001 release, Conker’s Bad Fur Day! Sure, the game in question is two years old, but fuck it. My award, my rules. In any case, the Britain-based developer wins the honors for making a total mockery of everything they had ever created up to that point. See, before Conker, Rare was known for making some of the most G-Rated kid-friendly games in the western arm of the galaxy. Games like the Donkey Kong Country series or Banjo and Kazooie. Games with uber-cute characters with giant shiny eyes, helping friendly talking buckets find all of their missing rocks and shit. Games with subject matter best suited for children ages two and under.
Then along comes Conker.
I remember seeing previews for this game years before it ever came out, and it looked like it was headed down the same “collect all the acorns in the happy forest” path as its predecessors. But somewhere along the development process, Rare was struck with the notion that they had already made a trillion games just like this. So they kept their shiny-eyed characters and their happy cartoon forest, but added a metric ton of extreme violence, scatological humor, and swearing. Lots of swearing. I’m fairly confident that this is the first Rare game to ever use the phrase “fucking twat”, or to involve getting drunk and pissing on your enemies, or shooting uber-cute zombie squirrels in their decaying faces with an adorable little twelve gauge. Joe Lieberman must have been taking a nap when this one hit the stores.
Yeah, Conker’s Bad Fur Day definitely makes sure to earn every bit of that "M" (for “mature”) rating that is so prominently displayed on the front of the box, while staying so hilariously close to the toddler-targeted games which inspired it. It’s kinda funny, if you think about it, that a game which is all about poop jokes and dirty words would be described as “mature”. I’d imagine this game would go over with the grade school crowd just fine.
Your turn, Bork. How about you tell them all about fighting the Great Mighty Poo at the heart of Shit Mountain?
Player Two: Das ist ein Bork
Oh, what a beautiful day it is today. I'm just walking down my street as Autumn leaves fall off the colorful trees. The air is crisp, and I feel great. Awww, what is this? Cute little squirrels picking acorns off the ground. I get closer to greet my little nature compadres.
"Hello, little guy. What’s ya' knowin'?"
The squirrel responds, "Die, bitch!"
What the--?!? BLAM! Owww!!! The little fuck shot me in the eye with a beretta rifle. Oh Jesus God! His buddies are beating me with frying pans! Oh, my love of mother whores, it hurts!!!
Huh? I'm still alive! Oh, thank God,.. it was just a dream. Damn Conker's Bad Fur Day! That game made me never look at a squirrel the same way again.
Conker may be cute, but his enemies sure ain’t. Check this out:
"Hey BITCH-- I gotta SHIT-- You wanna know WHY?-- cuz I got da CRAMPS!"
Yeah, if you like that phat rap beat, you'll like it when Conker takes on a giant opera-singing turd monster inside what appears to be a shit-infested anus! He'll sing memorable classics about ramming Conker up his butt! How horrible, a turd has a butt,.. I can't imagine what comes out of that.
#716 did well on the story portion of the game, so I will talk about the multi-player mode. I think I can sum it up pretty quickly: You can either be the Nazi teddy bears or the allied squirrels. Choose your weapon, and let the tides of blood and stuffing guts flow! The multi-play allows for so many ways to kill your opponent that it would take longer to explain than this article allows.
So, if you have not played this game and own a N64-- GO OUT AND BUY IT NOW, YOU FUCKING TWAT! (Tee hee. I swear because I learned it from Conker.)
That's it from me. Now I have to go huntin'. There's a squirrel hiding out in my room. I think I'll plant some land mines.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
This year’s award for Most Acutely Aware Self-Parody goes to,.. Rare Limited, for their 2001 release, Conker’s Bad Fur Day! Sure, the game in question is two years old, but fuck it. My award, my rules. In any case, the Britain-based developer wins the honors for making a total mockery of everything they had ever created up to that point. See, before Conker, Rare was known for making some of the most G-Rated kid-friendly games in the western arm of the galaxy. Games like the Donkey Kong Country series or Banjo and Kazooie. Games with uber-cute characters with giant shiny eyes, helping friendly talking buckets find all of their missing rocks and shit. Games with subject matter best suited for children ages two and under.
Then along comes Conker.
I remember seeing previews for this game years before it ever came out, and it looked like it was headed down the same “collect all the acorns in the happy forest” path as its predecessors. But somewhere along the development process, Rare was struck with the notion that they had already made a trillion games just like this. So they kept their shiny-eyed characters and their happy cartoon forest, but added a metric ton of extreme violence, scatological humor, and swearing. Lots of swearing. I’m fairly confident that this is the first Rare game to ever use the phrase “fucking twat”, or to involve getting drunk and pissing on your enemies, or shooting uber-cute zombie squirrels in their decaying faces with an adorable little twelve gauge. Joe Lieberman must have been taking a nap when this one hit the stores.
Yeah, Conker’s Bad Fur Day definitely makes sure to earn every bit of that "M" (for “mature”) rating that is so prominently displayed on the front of the box, while staying so hilariously close to the toddler-targeted games which inspired it. It’s kinda funny, if you think about it, that a game which is all about poop jokes and dirty words would be described as “mature”. I’d imagine this game would go over with the grade school crowd just fine.
Your turn, Bork. How about you tell them all about fighting the Great Mighty Poo at the heart of Shit Mountain?
Player Two: Das ist ein Bork
Oh, what a beautiful day it is today. I'm just walking down my street as Autumn leaves fall off the colorful trees. The air is crisp, and I feel great. Awww, what is this? Cute little squirrels picking acorns off the ground. I get closer to greet my little nature compadres.
"Hello, little guy. What’s ya' knowin'?"
The squirrel responds, "Die, bitch!"
What the--?!? BLAM! Owww!!! The little fuck shot me in the eye with a beretta rifle. Oh Jesus God! His buddies are beating me with frying pans! Oh, my love of mother whores, it hurts!!!
Huh? I'm still alive! Oh, thank God,.. it was just a dream. Damn Conker's Bad Fur Day! That game made me never look at a squirrel the same way again.
Conker may be cute, but his enemies sure ain’t. Check this out:
"Hey BITCH-- I gotta SHIT-- You wanna know WHY?-- cuz I got da CRAMPS!"
Yeah, if you like that phat rap beat, you'll like it when Conker takes on a giant opera-singing turd monster inside what appears to be a shit-infested anus! He'll sing memorable classics about ramming Conker up his butt! How horrible, a turd has a butt,.. I can't imagine what comes out of that.
#716 did well on the story portion of the game, so I will talk about the multi-player mode. I think I can sum it up pretty quickly: You can either be the Nazi teddy bears or the allied squirrels. Choose your weapon, and let the tides of blood and stuffing guts flow! The multi-play allows for so many ways to kill your opponent that it would take longer to explain than this article allows.
So, if you have not played this game and own a N64-- GO OUT AND BUY IT NOW, YOU FUCKING TWAT! (Tee hee. I swear because I learned it from Conker.)
That's it from me. Now I have to go huntin'. There's a squirrel hiding out in my room. I think I'll plant some land mines.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
artid
1762
Old Image
6_3_conkers.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 03 (nov 2003)
section
entertainmental