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22 December 2023
THEY'RE NOT CELEBRITIES. THEY WALK PAST YOU ON THE STREET, BRING YOU YOUR FOOD AT A RESTAURANT, AND LIVE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD. THEY'RE EVERYDAY PEOPLE. JUST LIKE YOU.
NOVEMBER 2003: CHRIS NIERATKO
SOME OF YOU MAY RECOGNIZE CHRIS NIERATKO AS THE GUY WHO CONTINUALLY BARFED WHILE TRYING TO EAT 50 EGGS OR DRINK A GALLON OF EGGNOG ON JACKASS. BUT CHRIS ALSO DOES REPORTING FOR LARRY FLYNT'S BIG BROTHER MAGAZINE, AND RUNS HIS OWN SKATESHOP. IS HE AN EVERYDAY PERSON? WELL,.. AFTER THE INTERVIEWER, BETHANY SHADY, SENT THIS INTERVIEW TO US WE REALIZED THE ANSWER IS A RESOUNDING "NO". BUT, WHAT THE FUCK? HE'S ENTERTAINING AS ALL HELL.
Bethany: Just what exactly is your relationship with McDonald's hash browns?
Chris: I'll apologize now for my faulty wiring. I'm entirely too hungover and can't be the funny man you're looking for. I was working on four days sobriety when I went for sushi and drank too many Zombies. It's 30 degrees in New Jersey, and the little umbrellas in Zombies reminded me of Hawaii. And I like Hawaii.
B: Don't you work for some pornographic skateboarding magazine?
C: What is your definition of "pornographic"? If a blowjob isn't sex, how can a handjob be porn? Basically, Big Brother-- the skateboarding magazine I help put together-- is at the forefront of skateboard journalism, and we've gotten there by stroking the egos of only the premiere skateboarders. No. I'm just kidding. I have no fucking clue what you're talking about. Go to bigbrothermagazine.com for the truth.
B: Are there naked chicks on skateboards in it, sucking guys off while doing flips and shit?
C: I signed a strict confidentiality agreement when I took my job, so if any sucking off was going on and I told you about it by saying anything in regards to how fun it is or how good it felt or how I get no less then 75 blowjobs a day, then I could be fired. So, the answer is "no".
B: I heard from some of the ladies in town that you have a few weaknesses. Just what is Chris Nieratko's kryptonite?
C: I think it's the same weakness every man has: big tits, tattoos, and tight, warm assholes. Isn't that why all the Pollacks, Italians, and Irish moved to America in the first place? Or was that to escape Hitler? I'm bad with history.
B: What size were the biggest jugs you've ever been with? And what did they taste like?
C: They tasted like rubber. I'm sure you want me to say they tasted like chicken so you can run the pull quote all big: "Yeah, the biggest tits I ever had tasted like chicken." And youse guys could fawn over me and think, "Aww. He said that just for us." Well, I won't do it. I'm sorry. But they were 48HH, and they were attached to a mutant porn star. Each one was bigger than a medicine ball, the nipples were stretched flat. Try as I did to molest them, they didn't budge, so I punched them and went home.
B: You co-own NJ Skateshop in Sayreville, New Jersey. Who drew the map of Sayreville on your website? I must say it's some of the best artwork I've ever seen, and gives MapQuest a run for their money.
C: Obviously, with that kind of a leading question you already know I drew the damn thing, but I try not to bring attention to that sort of stuff. I make art as a hobby, not to be down with any fucking scene. My art is too heavy for the shoulders of this world, so I don't bother bragging about it or even bringing it up. I mean, most people don't even know that I graduated from the prestigious New York art school Cooper Union, and did six years in Florence studying at S.A.C.I. Had writing not worked out, I was fully prepared to go into a career in mapistry and become a full-time mapist. But at least I know it's there to fall back on. But thanks for noticing. You were complimenting me, weren't you? To view my art, go to njskateshop.com.
B: I once heard you say that an elk had crawled in your mouth and died there. What was the deal with that?
C: Sometimes I say things figuratively, and people misinterpret what I mean. But in the case of the elk, I meant it quite literally. It's something I only discuss with my therapist.
B: How did you get linked up with the guys from Jackass, and why did you feel the need to fucking puke on each show?
C: I was at one of those A-list celebrity gangbangs that are always happening in the Hollywood Hills. I can't even remember who the chick was-- some budding starlet-- I think she eventually went on to do Felicity. And there were, like, 50 guys there, most of which were all polite and respectful, taking turns, giving each other the right-of-way and whatnot. Then there was the crew that later went on to make Jackass, and they were just cutting in line, sticking their dicks in the broad's ear, spitting on her,.. all kinds of fucked up shit. And I took one look at them and was like, "I need to be hanging out with those guys." That's how it all started. Where it went from there, I don't know. For the past four years I've been on a lot of drugs, so I don't exactly remember anything I did.
B: Do you still love to puke, or is it something you're trying to get past and not be known for so much anymore? Kinda like Ozzy and the whole "bat thing".
C: Eating bats is cool,.. always will be. It's more like that movie Gigli that Ben Affleck and Jen-Lo made.
B: Where's my Lost In Translation CD?
C: If it was up your ass you'd know where it was. I'm sorry. That was rude. I didn't mean that. Just kidding,.. yes, I did.
B: You're definitely bi-coastal, since you spend a good amount of time each month in both Jersey and Los Angeles. But do you also consider yourself bisexual? What types of fantasies have you had about men, and did any of them involve Don Knotts?
C: Oh, I get it. You're trying to be funny. You're trying to do my schtick, like "Chris asks crazy questions all the time, so I'm gonna ask Chris something zany." Well, if that's as good as you got, than that's a real shame. It makes me sad for the future of America. You wouldn't have lasted one night in a foxhole in Da Nang, pinned down in the bush by Charlie, mortars crashing down all around you! Not one fucking night! You think questions like that are gonna save your ass? I'd like to see you try. Throw that out there and see what happens. BANG! You're dead. Sniper in the tree 500 yards away just put a bullet in your head because he saw that one coming for days. You might as well have thrown a pin and held the grenade.
B: What is NC-17?
C: It's a film that my partner, Ryan Monihan, and I co-wrote and will be co-directing. It's one of those "what if" period pieces about World War II, where we pose the question, "How different would things have been if the Jews had super powers?" The best way I can explain it is Schindler's List meets X-Men, but with an element of that "running in the sky" craze from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I think now is the time to cash in on the whole superhero thing.
B: When you're in a public restroom, do you wait until the guy in the stall next to you leaves, then take a shit? Or do you just go balls out and take one with no concern for the guy next to you?
C: Actually, when I walk into a restroom and see another man's feet under the walls of the toilet, I turn the lights out, then turn around and leave; no matter how bad I have to go. I find the pleas for help and all the screaming and cursing and swearing to be more of a reward then relieving myself. My publicist says I have another interview I need to do, so we're going to have to wrap this up.
VISIT CHRIS HERE.
PURCHASE ITEMS BY CHRIS NIERATKO
NOVEMBER 2003: CHRIS NIERATKO
SOME OF YOU MAY RECOGNIZE CHRIS NIERATKO AS THE GUY WHO CONTINUALLY BARFED WHILE TRYING TO EAT 50 EGGS OR DRINK A GALLON OF EGGNOG ON JACKASS. BUT CHRIS ALSO DOES REPORTING FOR LARRY FLYNT'S BIG BROTHER MAGAZINE, AND RUNS HIS OWN SKATESHOP. IS HE AN EVERYDAY PERSON? WELL,.. AFTER THE INTERVIEWER, BETHANY SHADY, SENT THIS INTERVIEW TO US WE REALIZED THE ANSWER IS A RESOUNDING "NO". BUT, WHAT THE FUCK? HE'S ENTERTAINING AS ALL HELL.
Bethany: Just what exactly is your relationship with McDonald's hash browns?
Chris: I'll apologize now for my faulty wiring. I'm entirely too hungover and can't be the funny man you're looking for. I was working on four days sobriety when I went for sushi and drank too many Zombies. It's 30 degrees in New Jersey, and the little umbrellas in Zombies reminded me of Hawaii. And I like Hawaii.
B: Don't you work for some pornographic skateboarding magazine?
C: What is your definition of "pornographic"? If a blowjob isn't sex, how can a handjob be porn? Basically, Big Brother-- the skateboarding magazine I help put together-- is at the forefront of skateboard journalism, and we've gotten there by stroking the egos of only the premiere skateboarders. No. I'm just kidding. I have no fucking clue what you're talking about. Go to bigbrothermagazine.com for the truth.
B: Are there naked chicks on skateboards in it, sucking guys off while doing flips and shit?
C: I signed a strict confidentiality agreement when I took my job, so if any sucking off was going on and I told you about it by saying anything in regards to how fun it is or how good it felt or how I get no less then 75 blowjobs a day, then I could be fired. So, the answer is "no".
B: I heard from some of the ladies in town that you have a few weaknesses. Just what is Chris Nieratko's kryptonite?
C: I think it's the same weakness every man has: big tits, tattoos, and tight, warm assholes. Isn't that why all the Pollacks, Italians, and Irish moved to America in the first place? Or was that to escape Hitler? I'm bad with history.
B: What size were the biggest jugs you've ever been with? And what did they taste like?
C: They tasted like rubber. I'm sure you want me to say they tasted like chicken so you can run the pull quote all big: "Yeah, the biggest tits I ever had tasted like chicken." And youse guys could fawn over me and think, "Aww. He said that just for us." Well, I won't do it. I'm sorry. But they were 48HH, and they were attached to a mutant porn star. Each one was bigger than a medicine ball, the nipples were stretched flat. Try as I did to molest them, they didn't budge, so I punched them and went home.
B: You co-own NJ Skateshop in Sayreville, New Jersey. Who drew the map of Sayreville on your website? I must say it's some of the best artwork I've ever seen, and gives MapQuest a run for their money.
C: Obviously, with that kind of a leading question you already know I drew the damn thing, but I try not to bring attention to that sort of stuff. I make art as a hobby, not to be down with any fucking scene. My art is too heavy for the shoulders of this world, so I don't bother bragging about it or even bringing it up. I mean, most people don't even know that I graduated from the prestigious New York art school Cooper Union, and did six years in Florence studying at S.A.C.I. Had writing not worked out, I was fully prepared to go into a career in mapistry and become a full-time mapist. But at least I know it's there to fall back on. But thanks for noticing. You were complimenting me, weren't you? To view my art, go to njskateshop.com.
B: I once heard you say that an elk had crawled in your mouth and died there. What was the deal with that?
C: Sometimes I say things figuratively, and people misinterpret what I mean. But in the case of the elk, I meant it quite literally. It's something I only discuss with my therapist.
B: How did you get linked up with the guys from Jackass, and why did you feel the need to fucking puke on each show?
C: I was at one of those A-list celebrity gangbangs that are always happening in the Hollywood Hills. I can't even remember who the chick was-- some budding starlet-- I think she eventually went on to do Felicity. And there were, like, 50 guys there, most of which were all polite and respectful, taking turns, giving each other the right-of-way and whatnot. Then there was the crew that later went on to make Jackass, and they were just cutting in line, sticking their dicks in the broad's ear, spitting on her,.. all kinds of fucked up shit. And I took one look at them and was like, "I need to be hanging out with those guys." That's how it all started. Where it went from there, I don't know. For the past four years I've been on a lot of drugs, so I don't exactly remember anything I did.
B: Do you still love to puke, or is it something you're trying to get past and not be known for so much anymore? Kinda like Ozzy and the whole "bat thing".
C: Eating bats is cool,.. always will be. It's more like that movie Gigli that Ben Affleck and Jen-Lo made.
B: Where's my Lost In Translation CD?
C: If it was up your ass you'd know where it was. I'm sorry. That was rude. I didn't mean that. Just kidding,.. yes, I did.
B: You're definitely bi-coastal, since you spend a good amount of time each month in both Jersey and Los Angeles. But do you also consider yourself bisexual? What types of fantasies have you had about men, and did any of them involve Don Knotts?
C: Oh, I get it. You're trying to be funny. You're trying to do my schtick, like "Chris asks crazy questions all the time, so I'm gonna ask Chris something zany." Well, if that's as good as you got, than that's a real shame. It makes me sad for the future of America. You wouldn't have lasted one night in a foxhole in Da Nang, pinned down in the bush by Charlie, mortars crashing down all around you! Not one fucking night! You think questions like that are gonna save your ass? I'd like to see you try. Throw that out there and see what happens. BANG! You're dead. Sniper in the tree 500 yards away just put a bullet in your head because he saw that one coming for days. You might as well have thrown a pin and held the grenade.
B: What is NC-17?
C: It's a film that my partner, Ryan Monihan, and I co-wrote and will be co-directing. It's one of those "what if" period pieces about World War II, where we pose the question, "How different would things have been if the Jews had super powers?" The best way I can explain it is Schindler's List meets X-Men, but with an element of that "running in the sky" craze from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I think now is the time to cash in on the whole superhero thing.
B: When you're in a public restroom, do you wait until the guy in the stall next to you leaves, then take a shit? Or do you just go balls out and take one with no concern for the guy next to you?
C: Actually, when I walk into a restroom and see another man's feet under the walls of the toilet, I turn the lights out, then turn around and leave; no matter how bad I have to go. I find the pleas for help and all the screaming and cursing and swearing to be more of a reward then relieving myself. My publicist says I have another interview I need to do, so we're going to have to wrap this up.
VISIT CHRIS HERE.
PURCHASE ITEMS BY CHRIS NIERATKO
artid
1764
Old Image
6_3_nieratko.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 03 (nov 2003)
section
everyday people