VAN WILDER? VAN WHACK!

Let’s look at the facts, shall we? National Lampoon’s Van Wilder is a movie about a rich white frat boy (is there any other kind?) whose wealthy father refuses to pay for another wasted semester. It’s a film from the never-say-die folks at National Lampoon, which in Greek means “box office poison.” Gee, I can’t wait. Actually, I can. That was sarcasm, which, if you are in fact a frat boy, you probably didn’t get. But you should get this soundtrack. With the exception of three songs, which I will praise in a few sentences, this disc blows. And appropriately so, considering that these are the songs you would expect to hear at a frat party, which is what this movie is really all about. There are some testosterone heavy (yet radio-friendly) tunes for you to “headbang” or “mosh” to, like 6 Gig’s “Hit the Ground” and Jimmy Eat World’s “Bleed American”. Real horrible stuff. Then there’s Swirl 360’s “Okay”, the token acoustic love tune that will probably play in the background as Van Wilder decides he likes the girl too much to slip her some roofies. How grand. The rest of the stinkers just seem to blur together into one big audio turd for your ears. So what’s up with those lonely three diamonds in this film score roughage? Check it: N.E.R.D. clocks in with the soul-powered ass-slapper “Things Are Getting Better”; Fuzz Townshend lays it down like a lo-fi outer space version of Otis Day & the Knights with “At Auntie Tom’s”; and Sia makes musical foreplay with “Little Man.” (I'm pretty sure I understand what she's singing about, but I really don't care. She just makes me wanna’,.. you know...) In short, this soundtrack is like a tourniquet: fitting for what the film promises to be, yet God-awfully painful on the ears. Check your local mall record store for it, because no respectable record store would carry this.