PURE LARD: AMERICONSUMERS

Okay, so you know what Pure Lard is by now, right? Some shit that I've been writing every month (or so) since back when you were in short pants, right? Yeah. Now it's in tastes like chicken every month because Insane Wayne Chinsang wants me to keep quiet about his severe anal ras-- I mean, uh,.. it's a good time! Read on!
The inner-hipster-type-pseudo-cool-guy-nerd in me knows this is "wrong", but,.. I like going to malls. Those giant, sprawling shrines to America's true religion: Consumerism. I enjoy wandering around their labyrinths of good ol' American superiority, looking at the trendy shops with their items that are too expensive for me. Finding a clearance rack and getting $50 pants for $7 is such a thrill, on the rare occasions that one is so blessed.
Does anyone else feel this way? Deep down inside? I talk a good game about preferring "Mom & Pop" shops over the massive, corporate whorehouses that usually fill malls, but one could make a good argument that that's just bunk I shill out to make people think I'm "interesting" and "decent". It's an act, people! Sure, I'd rather this wasn't the case. But,.. it's just so convenient to go into one overgrown monstrosity of a building, comforted in the knowledge that I can get anything from pricey, boot cut jeans to pricey "alternative" novelty t-shirts. Like one that says, oh, I dunno: "I see dumb people!" THAT'S FUNNY STUFF, DAWG! Riffing on a line from a movie that came out in, what, 1999? Very cool and "with it". I want two. One for me, and one for my boy Tadd Branum. Hells yes. We'll do this. Hot Topic. Suburban mall goth/'80s retro Mecca. They're sure to have a few. And maybe some Thundercats or He-Man apparel, so we can relive our misspent-yet-sweetly-retarded youth at patriotically jacked-up prices. I'll meet you there. The sales clerk in all black with the multiple piercings and "funny" hair will no doubt be most helpful if the shirts are up high and we can't reach them.
Afterward, we can fill our bellies with unhealthy delights. The eating at malls is delectable, no? I love me some "fancy" dining. If you're short on cash, you can go to the Food Court. Every mall's got one. I love 'em. Especially the Pan-Asian Cuisine, with their affordably priced combo meals! Mmmm, mmmm, good! It's a heartwarming and stomach-lining-destroying good time to walk across a food court, little Asians with plates of their sweetest meat dish (sesame chicken or bourbon chicken and the like), offering you tender morsels on a toothpick. Delicious. That usually ropes me in. But the best is when there are three or more restaurants in a row! You can get a nice appetizer or even a full meal by accepting all the samples! I like to go one way to wet my palate, then put on a disguise (like a mustache or glasses), and go back through, getting more samples. You can repeat this maneuver as often as your moxie holds out. Just act confident, and assure them that they've never seen you before. You can get good and full for free this way, so long as you have a little quick wit and are cunning.
After eating, it's fun to go to the movies, dig? Luckily, every mall worth a good goddamn has one. Often a giant one with stadium seating, no less! I do most enjoy catching the latest summer blockbuster or formulaic Hollywood romance on a big screen, a novelty t-shirt in a bag by my feet, stomach full of chicken samples. The atmosphere for film watching at a mall is usually annoying to wretched, though. There's almost always some underage kids running around without their parents, talking about absolutely nothing on their cell phones-- which they don't need-- while the movie's playing. Good times, if you can handle it. I mean, again, it's convenient. And the knowledge that after the movie you can do more shopping is a lovely kind of comfort.
Which brings me to: THE QUINTESSENTIAL MALL STORE. That ultra-suburban cool shop,.. uh,.. Abercrombie 'n Bitch or whatever? Yeah! Not only do they have clothes that have been all beaten up, wrinkled, and faded (saving us consumers the trouble of wearing them out ourselves) for $50 dollars more than what they're worth, but they often have half-naked people standing outside the door! No foolin'! I was at the mall with my parents, and they wanted to check the place out. And there, in the door, greeting entering customers such as me and my folks by way of coldly ignoring us, was a shorn chested guy in pajama bottoms and no top (to show off his bulbous muscles) standing next to a too-young-for-me-hottie girl in just the matching pajama top! Wait,.. matching bottoms and top,.. holy crap! Are we to infer that they just got done doin' "it"? HOT! I expected to be charged a cover plus a two drink minimum. I was all bummed that I didn't have any singles on me. I asked my mom for change for a five.
Inside, amidst all the overpriced Goodwill-looking clothes, adorning the walls were pictures of boys and girls in various states of nudity! Some of the pictures-- with a girl that I hope is legal-- looked like something from that softcore Brooke Shields classic The Blue Lagoon, or maybe even its sequel,.. uh,.. Mosquito Coast or sumpin' like dat. Just a few strands of hair expertly covered her lil' nipples and areolas! DAMN, THAT'S HOT! In one of the pictures, they must've expertly airbrushed out one of her nippies. Either that, or she's kind of deformed. Bah! I don't care. She's a honey. The thought fleetingly crossed my mind that if I bought a pair of $70 wrinkled-as-hell-worn-to-shit cargo pants, she'd dig me. (The marketing department got it right, people!)
But why are these naked young'uns all over this store? Are we to gather that their desperate search for clothes had lead them here? Maybe. I dunno. It seems kind of perverted to me. I mean, I dig pretty naked girls as much as the next mostly-straight guy. But to see that, and then turn to little eight-year-old girls wearing clothes way too revealing with their parents or grandparents in tow amidst all this softcore, yet mainstream porno,... Is anyone bothered by this? When I was a kid, I was goofy lookin' in jams, Velcro shoes, and ill-fitting Batman t-shirts-- very similar to now, I guess. Why do kids today need to look like they're twice, nay THRICE their actual age? It's gonna get me in trouble one of these days, you know? Let 'em be goofy, retarded kids. They'll grow up soon enough.
Ah, overpriced junk. People looking for overpriced junk to make them happy. Consumerism at its best. I know it's wrong. I know that it's superficial and costs too much and most of the trash is made by slave labor and none of it will really make me happy and styles aren't important and we're all becoming corporate zombies and America is de-evolving into a cultureless wasteland, but,.. I love me some shoppin' malls! Love 'em. And hate 'em.
Mostly love 'em, though.
VISIT D.J. AT PURELARD.NET.