LOCAL BOY BELIEVED TO HAVE DONE SOMETHING NAUGHTY

ELYRIA, OH - The mother of four-year-old David Kirkpatrick suspects her son of doing something that he knows he shouldn't have done.
"He won't admit to anything," said the bereaved Mrs. Kirkpatrick, "but I can tell he knows he's done something naughty."
The mother of three theorizes that the shenanigan committed could be anything from eating a crayon to flipping a booger on a wall.
"There's just no way to tell," David's mom continued. "I've checked behind the couch and under the cushions for random foods, the cat is fine, and all my underwear is accounted for,.. but I know he did something wrong."
She sighed, adding, "It's the not knowing what he did that is driving me nuts."
Authorities say their hands are tied.
"There's nothing we can do in a situation like this," explained local sheriff, Craig Chitin. "If the boy ate glue or woodchips or whatever, well, that's just out of our jurisdiction."
Little David Kirkpatrick was suspiciously unavailable for comment.