BABY, I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOU TONIGHT, WHETHER YOU'RE THERE OR NOT.

That's right. You heard me correctly. Later on this evening I will be making sweet, sweet love to you, whether you're laying right there next to me or not.
You see, I noticed the way you looked up at me when you scanned my can of baby peas. Did I notice that it incorrectly rang up as being $1.59 instead of the correct price of $1.99? Oh yeah. I noticed. And I knew that was a sign that you were down.
And, yes, I saw how you weighed the cucumber I got from produce, naughty girl. I know you knew I saw you. You know I know you knew. And I know all of that, too.
"Paper or plastic," you ask me, but you're really asking "Your place or mine?"
And I'm not even going to bring up how you let me use my Double Savings Super Coupon today, even though it went against grocery protocol, since it's not a "Two-For-Tuesday". I just knew you wanted me.
So let's bypass these games of lust and get down to the nasty deed we both want so badly.
Because the way I see it, tonight-- just after Leno waves goodbye to his TV audience at 12:35AM-- I'm gonna turn the lights down low, light some scented candles from Pier 1, rub massage oils on myself, and get romantical.
Will you be there? In my head you will. So you may as well show up.
Can I please you? Yes, I can, and I will. Will you climax? Of course. In fact, in my mind, you've already climaxed six times today. You're welcome.
So be there, or be there. Either way, I'll be a happy man by 12:40AM.