admin
22 December 2023
My fellow rich white Americans,
Just when you thought this War on Terror was a bigger joke than my college diploma, I go and capture the leader of the Sand People, Saddam Hussein. Yes, I did it. You doubted it, but I led my Stormtroopers into the Middle East, and turned Tatooine on its dirty desert ear until we found the worst Tusken Raider of them all-- Saddam!
It was no easy task. It took months of bloodshed at the hands of those mutant Tusken warriors, who spoke in strange alien tongues and dressed in dusty robes and wraps. These giant rebel militant-filled pitas were slaughtering our brave military men and women on a daily basis. They knew the lay of the land. They had caves, and Sonny Chiba movies.
But, just as in all of history, the Empire reigned supreme!
It was an early Sunday morning. I was shooting lightning at dogs in the park, using my fierce Force powers, as is tradition on Sunday mornings, when an Imperial Guard approached me.
“Lord Dubya,” he said. “We have captured the leader of the Sand People! He was hiding in a small spider hole beneath a seemingly abandoned moisture farm. We have taken his Bantha, and slaughtered most of the Tusken peoples protecting him.”
I riddled a small Scottish Terror with more Force lightning, and turned to the soldier.
(deep robotic breathing) “Yee-haw,” I said. (more deep robotic breathing) “The Emperor must learn of this.”
So, I called Daddy. Man, was he relieved. “I am proud of you, Dubya Vader,” he said. “Everything is going according to plan.” And then he hung up the phone.
Yet there remains opposition. Vocal members of that cursed Rebel Alliance claim it was too convenient that I “found” the Tusken leader amidst my lowest approval ratings ever. They believe their blessed Howard Dean Skywalker will defeat me in the next election, despite my War on Terror victory. It is of no importance to me. They will see the err of their ways, or feel the wrath of Defense Secretary Cheney Fett’s bounty war on domestic terror.
As you were,
- Dub Vader
dubya@tlchicken.com
Just when you thought this War on Terror was a bigger joke than my college diploma, I go and capture the leader of the Sand People, Saddam Hussein. Yes, I did it. You doubted it, but I led my Stormtroopers into the Middle East, and turned Tatooine on its dirty desert ear until we found the worst Tusken Raider of them all-- Saddam!
It was no easy task. It took months of bloodshed at the hands of those mutant Tusken warriors, who spoke in strange alien tongues and dressed in dusty robes and wraps. These giant rebel militant-filled pitas were slaughtering our brave military men and women on a daily basis. They knew the lay of the land. They had caves, and Sonny Chiba movies.
But, just as in all of history, the Empire reigned supreme!
It was an early Sunday morning. I was shooting lightning at dogs in the park, using my fierce Force powers, as is tradition on Sunday mornings, when an Imperial Guard approached me.
“Lord Dubya,” he said. “We have captured the leader of the Sand People! He was hiding in a small spider hole beneath a seemingly abandoned moisture farm. We have taken his Bantha, and slaughtered most of the Tusken peoples protecting him.”
I riddled a small Scottish Terror with more Force lightning, and turned to the soldier.
(deep robotic breathing) “Yee-haw,” I said. (more deep robotic breathing) “The Emperor must learn of this.”
So, I called Daddy. Man, was he relieved. “I am proud of you, Dubya Vader,” he said. “Everything is going according to plan.” And then he hung up the phone.
Yet there remains opposition. Vocal members of that cursed Rebel Alliance claim it was too convenient that I “found” the Tusken leader amidst my lowest approval ratings ever. They believe their blessed Howard Dean Skywalker will defeat me in the next election, despite my War on Terror victory. It is of no importance to me. They will see the err of their ways, or feel the wrath of Defense Secretary Cheney Fett’s bounty war on domestic terror.
As you were,
- Dub Vader
dubya@tlchicken.com
artid
1918
Old Image
6_5_dubya2.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 05 (jan 2004)
section
stories