AN OPEN LETTER TO WAYNE CHINSANG

Wayne,
As a regular reader of tastes like chicken, I think it's my duty to point out something about your new buddy, D.J. Kirkbride. While it's all well and good that he seems to be fitting in, I wonder exactly how well you've gotten to know your new writer. I bet he's not been totally open with you about himself-- and since I know you hate D.J. Kirkbride, I thought I'd add some fuel to the fire. Let me think of a good place to start. Hmmm,.. oh, yeah: D.J. KIRKBRIDE IS A WOMAN!
Well, he used to be, at any rate. Back in college he/she was actually Diana Jennifer Kirkbride. How do I know this? Well, I hate to incriminate, but the fact is my little brother actually dated him/her for a month or so in his sophomore year. Lil' bro was kind of hard up at the time, and Diana wasn't exactly the belle of the ball, if you know what I mean. It was even more surprising (at the time) when he/she broke it off with my bro, because he/she was having "confusing feelings". Well, we all wondered why she'd do a thing like that when she obviously didn't stand a chance of landing anyone else. Then, a year or so later, we heard about "the operation", and the rest is kind of history. Big, lumbering, unpleasant smelling history.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what D.J./Diana decided to do, but people deserve to know! If you think about it, it explains his emotional nature (hormone treatments) and that he's constantly going out of his way to say he's heterosexual. Well, sure he is,.. NOW. My only question is, if he/she went to all the trouble to become a man, why didn't the doctors do a better job?
Yours,
- Fingers O'Reilly
REBUTTAL FROM D.J. KIRKBRIDE:
Normally, I wouldn't dignify such a blatantly untrue and libelous allegation with a response. But as Fingers O'Reilly ascertains that I was once a woman and that it has caused my family and countless female lovers grief, I've no choice. To put it as simply as possible: I'm all man. I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be a woman.
Now, I've no problem with transsexuals. What one does with one's body is one's own right. However, I am not the type of girl to have such a,.. heh. Did I just write "girl"? I meant "guy",.. because I am and have always been male. I mean, I,.. uh. Hmph. Okay,.. it's like I'm sayin',.. uh,.. hmmm,.. Poop.
Totally a guy,
- D.J. Kirkbride
PS: I've never been a chick.
PPS: Ever.