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22 December 2023
It's January. You know what that means? Yep. It's time for yet another installment of our Annual TLC Millennium Awards. Oh, stop yer fucking crying.
MAN WITH THE LEAST SPINE OF THE MILLENNIUM: DEREK CULLIGAN OF OMAHA, NEBRASKA - Derek let his wife paint their bedroom lavender, and hang lattice-- complete with silk flowers-- on their wall.
CHILDHOOD MEMORY RAPIST OF THE MILLENNIUM: (TIE) GEORGE LUCAS AND MIKE MYERS - George for those shitass prequels and constantly fucking with the original trilogy. Mike Myers for The Cat In The Hat.
BEST PERFORMANCE OF A NON-RETARDED CHARACTER PLAYED BY A RETARDED ACTOR: LEONARDO DICAPRIO IN GANGS OF NEW YORK
WORST NAME GIVEN TO A RETARDED CHILD ON TELEVISION OF THE MILLENNIUM: CORKY - From the television drama Life Goes On.
BEST TEXAS JUSTICE OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE JUDGE LADY ON TELEMUNDO
BEST HELPING ME REALIZE THAT I HAVE A FETISH OF THE MILLENNIUM: BJORK'S VIDEO FOR "ALL IS FULL OF LOVE" - I had no idea until now just how badly I want to fuck a robot.
BEST NAME OF THE MILLENNIUM: DOCTOR WAPARUND HANJAB
BEST LOOKING ROBOT OF THE MILLENNIUM: DICK CLARK
BEST PONY THAT LICKED UP ALL THAT WORMY HOT NAKED APPLE PIE CRUST WITH A DASH OF SALT OF THE MILLENNIUM: YOUR MOM - Damn,...
BEST GRANDMOTHER SEX STORY OF THE MILLENNIUM: Uhhh,.. never mind.
TALLEST MIDGET OF THE MILLENNIUM: NICK NOLTE
MOST SINFULLY ROMANTIC AND EROTICALLY CHARGED MOVIE OF THE MILLENNIUM: MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD - Russell Crowe and a boat full of young men.
BOWEL MOVEMENT OF THE MILLENNIUM: DECEMBER 1ST, 2003, 3:06PM, D.J. KIRKBRIDE'S APARTMENT IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN - Good God, man!
MEXICAN OF THE MILLENNIUM: (TIE) CHARLTON HESTON IN TOUCH OF EVIL, AND WILLEM DAFOE IN ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO
HIP AND TRENDY CHILD'S NAME OF THE MILLENNIUM: AREOLA
MOST DISAPPOINTING PREGNANCY AND SUBSEQUENT MARRIAGE OF THE MILLENNIUM: GWENYTH PALTROW AND THAT COLDPLAY JACKASS - C'mon, Gwen! That guy?!? THAT GUY?!?
BEST NAME FOR A NEW G.I. JOE CHARACTER OF THE MILLENNIUM: RIMJOB
BEST LORD OF THE RINGS FILM OF THE MILLENNIUM: WILLOW
BEST NAME FOR A CHILDREN'S BOOK OF THE MILLENNIUM: EVERYTHING DIES
BEST PET SNACK OF THE MILLENNIUM: ROY
BEST SEAL OF APPROVAL OF THE MILLENNIUM: "IT'S SO GOOD I WANT TO FUCK IT!"
GREATEST JUSTIFICATION FOR THE A.D.A. OF THE MILLENNIUM: SHANE MACGOWAN
WORST SUBJECT LINE OF AN EMAIL IN AN ATTEMPT TO SPREAD A COMPUTER VIRUS OF THE MILLENNIUM: "FREE RUSSIAN MAIL-ORDER BRIDE. TURN OFF NORTON ANTI-VIRUS TO LEARN MORE."
MOST MUSICAL FRUIT OF THE MILLENNIUM: JOE O'NEAL OF HOBOKEN, NEW JERSEY - As if mastering assorted string instruments weren’t enough, Joe went on to learn the tuba, and has been taking voice lessons every Tuesday night for the last year from Mrs. Dunning.
WORST ADVICE ON A BOTTLE OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS OF THE MILLENNIUM: "DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOL." - Seriously, do these people even know what they are missing?
BEST "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP" OF THE MILLENNIUM: DENNIS ARMSTRONG OF LANSING, MICHIGAN
ONLY ENTRY TO THE BEST "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP" CONTEST OF THE MILLENNIUM: DENNIS ARMSTRONG OF LANSING, MICHIGAN
BEST EXPLANATION OF WHY TIME PARADOXES COULD NEVER HAPPEN OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE COPENHAGEN INTERPRETATION - Fuck. That's a load off my mind. (NOTE FROM STAFF MEMBER #716: You know, it's really okay if you don't get this joke. I was trying to get as far-fucking-out there as I could. But, if you're curious, The Copenhagen Interpretation theorizes that every time a quantum event occurs-- which is pretty much anything that could have two or more outcomes-- an electron either does or doesn't alter its course or speed revolving around a nucleus. So, lightning either does or doesn't strike a tree; you either do or don't have one more beer; etc. The universe splits into two separate universes, one where one outcome occurred, and one where the other outcome happened-- or however many possible outcomes there are. So, all that time paradox bullshit we always see in movies like "Back to the Future" isn't a real danger of time travel. Case in point: at the end of "Donnie Darko", Maggie Gyllenhaal's brother travels backwards in time, stays in his room, and is killed when a jet engine falls onto his house. If all that time paradox nonsense were true, then Donnie dying before he travelled back in time would make his time travelling never happen. And if he never time travelled, then he would have not been in his room when the engine hit, and thus, would have survived. The two outcomes contradict each other. And according to Doc Brown in "Back to the Future", a time paradox like this could unravel the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe. But at the end of "Donnie Darko", the universe wasn't destroyed. Rather, it continued along the path of the "Universe Where Donnie Was Killed". "The Universe Where Donnie Survived" still exists, just separate from the other universe. The Copenhagen Interpretation says that the universe has been splitting an infinite amount of times since the beginning of time. And infinity is one fucking huge number. So, theoretically, there are universes out there somewhere in infinity where gravity pushes you away from the ground, or where a person could move through solid objects by controlling the vibration of the molecules in their body, or where a certain gifted individual has the uncanny ability to shoot Boz candies from his neck. Anything you can imagine exists out there someplace. Kinda cool, huh? - Staff Member #716)
THE DENNIS MILLER OF THE MILLENNIUM: STAFF MEMBER #716 - The Copenhagen Interpretation? Shut up, dude.
AWESOMEST THING EVER OF THE MILLENNIUM: JUDAISM - Because, like, it totally gives Shia LaBeouf the spiritual guidance he needs to be so totally awesome.
SO TOTALLY AWESOME PERSON WHO FINDS SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE IN JUDAISM OF THE MILLENNIUM: You see where this is going, don’t you?
RUDEST, UGLIEST, AND DIRTIEST CATFISH OF THE MILLENNIUM: RACHEL DAVIS
BEST ARTIST THAT USED A LOT OF PURPLES OF THE MILLENNIUM: NAGEL
BEST FEMALE IMPERSONATOR OF THE MILLENNIUM: RUPAUL
WORST FEMALE IMPERSONATOR OF THE MILLENNIUM: PINK
MOST ANTICIPATED 18TH BIRTHDAY BY THE STAFF OF TASTES LIKE CHICKEN OF THE MILLENNIUM: WAYNE'S COUSIN, RACHEL VOGEL
BEATING A DEAD HORSE OF THE MILLENNIUM: INSANE WAYNE CHINSANG AND TASTES LIKE CHICKEN - For heroically exhibiting that never-say-die attitude America has come to admire. Sure, the Millennium Award joke was tired three years ago; however, we will tell you when it is time to stop laughing. And we're not gonna stop until we rip the damn teat off every single joke while squeezing out every last drop of nectar the beast has to give. We are tastes like chicken, and you have our word on it.
MAN WITH THE LEAST SPINE OF THE MILLENNIUM: DEREK CULLIGAN OF OMAHA, NEBRASKA - Derek let his wife paint their bedroom lavender, and hang lattice-- complete with silk flowers-- on their wall.
CHILDHOOD MEMORY RAPIST OF THE MILLENNIUM: (TIE) GEORGE LUCAS AND MIKE MYERS - George for those shitass prequels and constantly fucking with the original trilogy. Mike Myers for The Cat In The Hat.
BEST PERFORMANCE OF A NON-RETARDED CHARACTER PLAYED BY A RETARDED ACTOR: LEONARDO DICAPRIO IN GANGS OF NEW YORK
WORST NAME GIVEN TO A RETARDED CHILD ON TELEVISION OF THE MILLENNIUM: CORKY - From the television drama Life Goes On.
BEST TEXAS JUSTICE OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE JUDGE LADY ON TELEMUNDO
BEST HELPING ME REALIZE THAT I HAVE A FETISH OF THE MILLENNIUM: BJORK'S VIDEO FOR "ALL IS FULL OF LOVE" - I had no idea until now just how badly I want to fuck a robot.
BEST NAME OF THE MILLENNIUM: DOCTOR WAPARUND HANJAB
BEST LOOKING ROBOT OF THE MILLENNIUM: DICK CLARK
BEST PONY THAT LICKED UP ALL THAT WORMY HOT NAKED APPLE PIE CRUST WITH A DASH OF SALT OF THE MILLENNIUM: YOUR MOM - Damn,...
BEST GRANDMOTHER SEX STORY OF THE MILLENNIUM: Uhhh,.. never mind.
TALLEST MIDGET OF THE MILLENNIUM: NICK NOLTE
MOST SINFULLY ROMANTIC AND EROTICALLY CHARGED MOVIE OF THE MILLENNIUM: MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD - Russell Crowe and a boat full of young men.
BOWEL MOVEMENT OF THE MILLENNIUM: DECEMBER 1ST, 2003, 3:06PM, D.J. KIRKBRIDE'S APARTMENT IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN - Good God, man!
MEXICAN OF THE MILLENNIUM: (TIE) CHARLTON HESTON IN TOUCH OF EVIL, AND WILLEM DAFOE IN ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO
HIP AND TRENDY CHILD'S NAME OF THE MILLENNIUM: AREOLA
MOST DISAPPOINTING PREGNANCY AND SUBSEQUENT MARRIAGE OF THE MILLENNIUM: GWENYTH PALTROW AND THAT COLDPLAY JACKASS - C'mon, Gwen! That guy?!? THAT GUY?!?
BEST NAME FOR A NEW G.I. JOE CHARACTER OF THE MILLENNIUM: RIMJOB
BEST LORD OF THE RINGS FILM OF THE MILLENNIUM: WILLOW
BEST NAME FOR A CHILDREN'S BOOK OF THE MILLENNIUM: EVERYTHING DIES
BEST PET SNACK OF THE MILLENNIUM: ROY
BEST SEAL OF APPROVAL OF THE MILLENNIUM: "IT'S SO GOOD I WANT TO FUCK IT!"
GREATEST JUSTIFICATION FOR THE A.D.A. OF THE MILLENNIUM: SHANE MACGOWAN
WORST SUBJECT LINE OF AN EMAIL IN AN ATTEMPT TO SPREAD A COMPUTER VIRUS OF THE MILLENNIUM: "FREE RUSSIAN MAIL-ORDER BRIDE. TURN OFF NORTON ANTI-VIRUS TO LEARN MORE."
MOST MUSICAL FRUIT OF THE MILLENNIUM: JOE O'NEAL OF HOBOKEN, NEW JERSEY - As if mastering assorted string instruments weren’t enough, Joe went on to learn the tuba, and has been taking voice lessons every Tuesday night for the last year from Mrs. Dunning.
WORST ADVICE ON A BOTTLE OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS OF THE MILLENNIUM: "DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOL." - Seriously, do these people even know what they are missing?
BEST "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP" OF THE MILLENNIUM: DENNIS ARMSTRONG OF LANSING, MICHIGAN
ONLY ENTRY TO THE BEST "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP" CONTEST OF THE MILLENNIUM: DENNIS ARMSTRONG OF LANSING, MICHIGAN
BEST EXPLANATION OF WHY TIME PARADOXES COULD NEVER HAPPEN OF THE MILLENNIUM: THE COPENHAGEN INTERPRETATION - Fuck. That's a load off my mind. (NOTE FROM STAFF MEMBER #716: You know, it's really okay if you don't get this joke. I was trying to get as far-fucking-out there as I could. But, if you're curious, The Copenhagen Interpretation theorizes that every time a quantum event occurs-- which is pretty much anything that could have two or more outcomes-- an electron either does or doesn't alter its course or speed revolving around a nucleus. So, lightning either does or doesn't strike a tree; you either do or don't have one more beer; etc. The universe splits into two separate universes, one where one outcome occurred, and one where the other outcome happened-- or however many possible outcomes there are. So, all that time paradox bullshit we always see in movies like "Back to the Future" isn't a real danger of time travel. Case in point: at the end of "Donnie Darko", Maggie Gyllenhaal's brother travels backwards in time, stays in his room, and is killed when a jet engine falls onto his house. If all that time paradox nonsense were true, then Donnie dying before he travelled back in time would make his time travelling never happen. And if he never time travelled, then he would have not been in his room when the engine hit, and thus, would have survived. The two outcomes contradict each other. And according to Doc Brown in "Back to the Future", a time paradox like this could unravel the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe. But at the end of "Donnie Darko", the universe wasn't destroyed. Rather, it continued along the path of the "Universe Where Donnie Was Killed". "The Universe Where Donnie Survived" still exists, just separate from the other universe. The Copenhagen Interpretation says that the universe has been splitting an infinite amount of times since the beginning of time. And infinity is one fucking huge number. So, theoretically, there are universes out there somewhere in infinity where gravity pushes you away from the ground, or where a person could move through solid objects by controlling the vibration of the molecules in their body, or where a certain gifted individual has the uncanny ability to shoot Boz candies from his neck. Anything you can imagine exists out there someplace. Kinda cool, huh? - Staff Member #716)
THE DENNIS MILLER OF THE MILLENNIUM: STAFF MEMBER #716 - The Copenhagen Interpretation? Shut up, dude.
AWESOMEST THING EVER OF THE MILLENNIUM: JUDAISM - Because, like, it totally gives Shia LaBeouf the spiritual guidance he needs to be so totally awesome.
SO TOTALLY AWESOME PERSON WHO FINDS SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE IN JUDAISM OF THE MILLENNIUM: You see where this is going, don’t you?
RUDEST, UGLIEST, AND DIRTIEST CATFISH OF THE MILLENNIUM: RACHEL DAVIS
BEST ARTIST THAT USED A LOT OF PURPLES OF THE MILLENNIUM: NAGEL
BEST FEMALE IMPERSONATOR OF THE MILLENNIUM: RUPAUL
WORST FEMALE IMPERSONATOR OF THE MILLENNIUM: PINK
MOST ANTICIPATED 18TH BIRTHDAY BY THE STAFF OF TASTES LIKE CHICKEN OF THE MILLENNIUM: WAYNE'S COUSIN, RACHEL VOGEL
BEATING A DEAD HORSE OF THE MILLENNIUM: INSANE WAYNE CHINSANG AND TASTES LIKE CHICKEN - For heroically exhibiting that never-say-die attitude America has come to admire. Sure, the Millennium Award joke was tired three years ago; however, we will tell you when it is time to stop laughing. And we're not gonna stop until we rip the damn teat off every single joke while squeezing out every last drop of nectar the beast has to give. We are tastes like chicken, and you have our word on it.
artid
1960
Old Image
6_5_millenniums.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 05 (jan 2004)
section
cover story