THOUGHTS FROM THE OFFICE OF VINNIE BAGGADONUTS

You know, maybe this journalism thing just ain’t for me. When I went home for Serbian Christmas a few weeks ago, I caught a few episodes of that Law & Order show. The one with the guy from Full Metal Jacket. I paid real close attention to how they solved those crimes, and I think I can do it. Nay-- I will do it.
First, I’ll need a case. Let’s start with something small, like, oh, say, the Michael Jackson pedophile thing. Why? Because I’m feeling the funk right now. Michael’s funk. He’s the motherfucking King of Pop, you know. Except he doesn’t really go around motherfucking. He’d probably be in a lot less trouble if he did.
Now that I have a case, I’ll need to choose a side. I’m gonna go with the defense on this one. Call it a hunch, but I think he’s innocent. I had a similar hunch during the O.J. Simpson trial, and he walked out of that courtroom as guilt-free as I knew he would. He’s Nordberg for Christ’s sake! The only killing Nordberg did was with kindness.
So now I got me a case, and a side. On to the evidence. But I can’t just research the evidence at an office. I’ll need a far more dramatic location. Maybe a library. That worked in The Pelican Brief.
Checklist: case, side, dramatic location, and now my evidence. Relying solely on the Internet, my wits, and a copy of Michael’s latest greatest hits collection, Number Ones, I factually realize Michael’s innocence. Send the defense attorneys home. I’m about to wrap this bitch up in two paragraphs:
Michael’s brief stint as a pederast began in 1972 at the tender age of 14. That year, Michael released Ben, an album with a popular first single bearing the same title. Though Jackson’s camp claimed it was a tune about his beloved pet rat, the truth is it was about his first victim. Michael wrote “Ben” as a paean to a young Jeremy James Miller, better known as lovable Ben Seaver on the popular TV sitcom Growing Pains. Though Miller would not be born for another four years in 1976, Michael’s passionate, yet dangerous relationship with the child star inspired him to write the tune, thus incriminating himself as the kiddie-diddler he is.
BUT, Jackson has not written any similar odes since "Ben". Therefore, according to my ample detective training and experience, Michael is, without a doubt, absolutely, positively, 100% innocent. And were this an actual episode of Law & Order: Full Metal Jacket Guy Division, either myself or my saucy female counterpart (Casting recommendations: Robin Tunney or Hilary Duff for potential sexual chemistry; Queen Latifah or Nyanza for potential diva-fueled comedy.) would say something witty, possibly profound, and the screen would fade to black.
Another day, another case solved.
Let’s go get a doughnut. Shamon.