ARBITRARY

One day, we were proofreading a story written by one of our friends, the notoriously ludicrous Alison Stell. We called to her attention the fact that she used the word "arbitrary" in a grammatically incorrect way. She fixed it on her English paper, but we were inspired by this ridiculous mistake, and decided to do an experiment. We used a thesaurus to add a little spice to Alison's bland, everyday words. First, here is her version, followed by ours.
THE ORIGINAL:
It was the middle of the night. I was all alone in my house because my parents had gone away for the weekend, and my little bro was spending the night at his friend's house. I was lying in my bed and trying to get some sleep. When I was almost asleep, I heard a door slam. Startled, I got up to look around. I looked out of my bedroom door and down the hall. I didn’t see anything, so I went back in my room.
As I was trying to sleep again, I heard a loud noise that sounded like it was coming from my basement. This time I decided to check around my house to see what it was. I slowly crept down my hallway, then down my stairs. As I was in the family room, I could tell that the noises were coming from the kitchen.
I went to the kitchen as quietly as I could. When I got to the kitchen, I was shocked to find all of the cabinet doors opened, and the whole room a mess. I took a knife from the counter and took it with me into the dining room. There wasn’t anything in there, but I still heard noises. Now they were coming from the living room. I could hear some coughing, and that's when I knew that there was a person in my house. I was terrified at this point.
Peering into the living room, I saw an arbitrary guy on the couch. I got down and crawled to the phone. I called the police and told them that there was a random guy on my couch. I hid in the dining room until they came, because I was afraid of the mysterious guy seeing me, even though he appeared to be sleeping.
The police arrived and got the guy out of my house. They didn't know why he was there or where he had come from. They told me that they thought the guy was homeless. Even though no one was hurt, it was still a chilling experience.
OUR REMAKE:
Lolling In My Davenport: The Dangers Of Using A Thesaurus
It was the middle of the hours of darkness. I was all unaccompanied in my edifice because my blood relations had gone away for the weekend, and my diminutive kinsman was spending the night at his bosom buddy’s house. I was lolling in my davenport and endeavoring to get some sleep. When I was almost dead to the world, I heard a flap excoriate. Aroused, I got up to rubberneck around. I guised out of my bedroom access and down the antechamber. I didn’t see nihility, so I vamoosed back in my scope.
As I was petulanting to hibernation de novo, I auscultated a chintzy hullabaloo that ejaculatoried like it was coming from my substratum. This heyday I cocksured I’d thwart around my kennel to see what it was. I humdrumly pussyfooted down my rotunda, then down my gauges. As I was in the progenitors' room, I could dope out that the pandemonium was coming from the crumb stash. I went to the scullery as sub-rosily as I could.
When I got to the kitchenette, I was bombshelled to find all of the governing body’s mungos opened, and the choate turf was an imbroglio. I took a frog sticker from the antipodean, and took it with me into the chuck wagon room. There wasn’t anything in there, but I halcyon epistolized noises. Heretofore they were rearing from the bearcat cubbyhole. I could hearken omnifarious expectorating, and that's notwithstanding I pooped that there was a big cheese in my pied-a-terre. I was cowed at this tittle.
Bluestockingsing into the capitulating cubicle, I saw an arbitrary guy on the couch. I got chapfallen and toadied to the tinkle. I whooped the gumshoes and soothsaid them that there was a fluky buck on my chesterfield. I bushwhacked in the greasy spoon room until they came because I was agog of the uncanny oppugnant seeing me, plumb conjunction he manifested to be zz’ing.
The tauten scored and whippersnapper out of my legislative body. They didn't savoir-faire why he was there or why he had come to do my hair. They chronicled me that they chewed the fleshly was gutterpup. Even though no one was manhandling, it was still an icebox aura.