admin
22 December 2023
Oh, boy! The past couple days have been hell on Earth. Possibly the worst, most scorching case of diarrhea I have endured. It felt like liquid magma was pouring out of my colon! On top of that, my anus felt like Mount St. Helens: incredible pressure building up to dangerous levels, threatening to blow my entire ass apart in multiple feces-soaked pieces. I have seen better days. I am feeling better now, though. At least I didn\'t shit in my pajamas like last year. Now, on to the business,...
Destroyer of planets! Devourer of robotic souls! The coming Apocalypse itself! Yes, the mighty Unicron is all of these things. However, ultimately, Unicron will always be remembered as the Holy Grail of playground lore.
Unicron was the biggest badass of the Transformer universe. Were you to accurately construct the toy in scale with the \'80s collection, he would have been three stories tall. However, this painful fact was not enough to quell the imaginations of rabid fans. My brother said he heard from a friend that they built a three-foot tall Unicron that cost $300. They only sold it in Japan because the boats that shipped them to America kept getting attacked by pirates.
The yarns my classmates spread became quite ridiculous. Everyone would try to top the complete bull plop they just heard with an even bigger steaming pile of industrial-strength manure. Looking back on it now, I just laugh at my own complete stupidity. I would never have believed there was any validity to those desperate ramblings of a fifth grader starved for attention. Imagine my surprise a few years ago when I learned Hasbro actually toyed with the idea of creating a Unicron Transformer. In fact, someone thought it was such a great idea, they went as far as to create a really crappy painted prototype (Figure B)-- one that would severely crush the hopes and dreams of every boy in the known universe. Yes, he was that bad. He basically looked like a whiffle ball with a head, and some limbs were hastily thrown on. It was a horrendously meager attempt to capture the ultimate evil of the planet eater in plastic form. Yes, Unicron was doomed to haunt Hasbro\'s dingy basement, never to see the light of day. And the world was a much better place for it.
That was almost 20 years ago. Way back in 1986, I gave up on the idea of ever seeing a Unicron Transformer on the store shelf. Imagine my surprise to hear that Hasbro is once again going to attempt to create the big man. Call me pessimistic. I really couldn\'t believe they would actually attempt to create another plastic monstrosity, the likes of which I saw in that old mock-up. Unicron was an unattainable goal, and should be left alone.
I could not have been more wrong.
I must admit as I sit here now at the keyboard holding him in my hands, I really can\'t believe it. The small boy in me is completely overcome with the sheer wonder of merely holding such a mythical object. That does not mean the toy is perfect; it\'s just the sheer idea that I am holding Unicron (Figure A), and it is extremely powerful. So, does that mean if, for 20 years, you did nothing all day but stare at the floor while you banged your head on the wall and chanted the word \"Norcinu\" over and over again, that your sad, pathetic, wasted life would suddenly be vindicated?
No, I am afraid not, friend.
However, Unicron is pretty well put together. For starters, he actually does look like the movie villain. At 18\" high, he is not an exact copy; but they have done an adequate job simplifying the complex robot. Unfortunately, Hasbro opted to keep the color palate really basic, and used orange as the predominant color, with some purple and gray highlights. To compensate for the lack of color, they used a lot of transparent plastic. For the most part, it does make him look a little more interesting, but I would have loved to see the big guy painted with lots of really bold high chroma colors. The transforming feature is really simple, which is to be expected with a monster this size. The planet stage is okay. It just seems a little too simplified. The robot form is much more interesting. To top the whole thing of, the body has some pretty nice articulation, with light-up eyes and right hand, while featuring a few other surprises. He comes with a little moon transformer that can be used to activate hidden features, including a giant chest cannon that pops out and fires a big articulated missile. Really cool!
He might not be the second coming of Christ, but Unicron should fulfill plenty of childhood fantasies. If you were a really big fan of the Transformers when you were a kid, Unicron will not disappoint. Now if only they would build a real Speeder Bike from Return of the Jedi. Then I would be a happy boy, indeed.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
Destroyer of planets! Devourer of robotic souls! The coming Apocalypse itself! Yes, the mighty Unicron is all of these things. However, ultimately, Unicron will always be remembered as the Holy Grail of playground lore.
Unicron was the biggest badass of the Transformer universe. Were you to accurately construct the toy in scale with the \'80s collection, he would have been three stories tall. However, this painful fact was not enough to quell the imaginations of rabid fans. My brother said he heard from a friend that they built a three-foot tall Unicron that cost $300. They only sold it in Japan because the boats that shipped them to America kept getting attacked by pirates.
The yarns my classmates spread became quite ridiculous. Everyone would try to top the complete bull plop they just heard with an even bigger steaming pile of industrial-strength manure. Looking back on it now, I just laugh at my own complete stupidity. I would never have believed there was any validity to those desperate ramblings of a fifth grader starved for attention. Imagine my surprise a few years ago when I learned Hasbro actually toyed with the idea of creating a Unicron Transformer. In fact, someone thought it was such a great idea, they went as far as to create a really crappy painted prototype (Figure B)-- one that would severely crush the hopes and dreams of every boy in the known universe. Yes, he was that bad. He basically looked like a whiffle ball with a head, and some limbs were hastily thrown on. It was a horrendously meager attempt to capture the ultimate evil of the planet eater in plastic form. Yes, Unicron was doomed to haunt Hasbro\'s dingy basement, never to see the light of day. And the world was a much better place for it.
That was almost 20 years ago. Way back in 1986, I gave up on the idea of ever seeing a Unicron Transformer on the store shelf. Imagine my surprise to hear that Hasbro is once again going to attempt to create the big man. Call me pessimistic. I really couldn\'t believe they would actually attempt to create another plastic monstrosity, the likes of which I saw in that old mock-up. Unicron was an unattainable goal, and should be left alone.
I could not have been more wrong.
I must admit as I sit here now at the keyboard holding him in my hands, I really can\'t believe it. The small boy in me is completely overcome with the sheer wonder of merely holding such a mythical object. That does not mean the toy is perfect; it\'s just the sheer idea that I am holding Unicron (Figure A), and it is extremely powerful. So, does that mean if, for 20 years, you did nothing all day but stare at the floor while you banged your head on the wall and chanted the word \"Norcinu\" over and over again, that your sad, pathetic, wasted life would suddenly be vindicated?
No, I am afraid not, friend.
However, Unicron is pretty well put together. For starters, he actually does look like the movie villain. At 18\" high, he is not an exact copy; but they have done an adequate job simplifying the complex robot. Unfortunately, Hasbro opted to keep the color palate really basic, and used orange as the predominant color, with some purple and gray highlights. To compensate for the lack of color, they used a lot of transparent plastic. For the most part, it does make him look a little more interesting, but I would have loved to see the big guy painted with lots of really bold high chroma colors. The transforming feature is really simple, which is to be expected with a monster this size. The planet stage is okay. It just seems a little too simplified. The robot form is much more interesting. To top the whole thing of, the body has some pretty nice articulation, with light-up eyes and right hand, while featuring a few other surprises. He comes with a little moon transformer that can be used to activate hidden features, including a giant chest cannon that pops out and fires a big articulated missile. Really cool!
He might not be the second coming of Christ, but Unicron should fulfill plenty of childhood fantasies. If you were a really big fan of the Transformers when you were a kid, Unicron will not disappoint. Now if only they would build a real Speeder Bike from Return of the Jedi. Then I would be a happy boy, indeed.
PURCHASE THIS OR SIMILAR ITEMS
artid
2049
Old Image
6_6_toybox.jpg
issue
vol 6 - issue 06 (feb 2004)
section
entertainmental