NOW PLAYING: SOCOM II: U.S. NAVY SEALS

Player One: Staff Member #716
If you’re a dork like me and read video game and computer magazines, then you know that the gaming world has been divided into two camps for at least a decade now: PC gamers and console gamers. PC owners have always been like, “Yo! We can play our games over the Internet an’ shit!” Whereas console players have said, “Yeah, but we play against our boys right there on the same couch! It’s human interaction, stupid!” Then, sometime in the past year, the impossible happened: the Seven Seals were broken, mighty trumpets sounded, a war erupted in Heaven, and Sony released an online adapter for the PlayStation 2, letting console gamers play online.
While I have historically been a console gamer, from the Atari 2600 all the way up to the PS2, I’ve recently gotten into online games on my PC. In order to communicate with other players in these games, you have to type text messages to each other, a time-consuming process which requires you to stop whatever the hell else you're doing in-game in order to free up your hands. But Sony’s R&D department had a brilliant solution to this problem, one which would set online PS2 games apart from their PC brethren, and maintain the human interaction consoles were famous for: Players of Socom and its sequel, Socom II, would be able to use headsets to actually speak to their teammates. To me, this sounded like the perfect merging of two worlds. I enjoyed online games, but the Internet slang that other players type-- like “rotf lmao” and “cu l8r”-- makes me want to beat someone to death with an axe handle. I figured that the headset would allow me and my online crew to form strategies, watch each other’s backs, and generally just bullshit around while keeping our hands on the controller.
But I never got to find out. I don’t know what the hell Bork did to the headset, but by the time I gave Socom II a try, the microphone didn’t work anymore. I don’t know if he just talked too hard at it or something, but when I was playing, no one could hear me. For the most part this was fine, because I could still follow commands from my squad. But do you know what it’s like to listen to an 11-year-old continuously belt out “Trogdor!” at the top of his lungs and not be able to tell him to shut the fuck up? I do.
Apart from that, the game is pretty cool, barring my usual controller problems with PS2 shooter games. Maybe Bork can give you a detailed account of the full headset experience, since the damn thing worked when he first got the game. Seriously, dude, what did you do to it?
Player Two: Big Das
Oh boy, here comes a video game review. Oh my God, it’s coming... it’s close,.. and here it is! Socom II: U.S. Navy Seals is a pretty frickin’ cool game, boys! First off, the single player game is okay, but it sure as hell ain’t as addicting and entertaining as the online part of the game! So, my fellow hoohaas, this is what I am going to talk many enjoyable criticisms about: the online version!
Unfortunately for #716, the mic was not working by the time he got his hands on it. (Sorry, dude, but little midget hobos with long necks snuck into the house one night, took the headset, came up to my room, and whispered to me while I was sleeping, "You know, son, two bullets and you got yourself a dead hooker, guaranteed." Then they used it to catch lobsters that night. It’s all true!) Lucky for me, I had the power of speaking and hearing in the game.
Playing online has convinced me of two things. First, that Socom can be an enjoyable team-based strategical game. Second, with that headset I have found out that a majority of the world are weirdos! Yes, you are all weirdos! Now, I mean that as a compliment. I found myself laughing my ass off from all the crazy stuff people were saying. That, my friends, is entertainment-- no tits involved!
The only problem with Socom online is that people cheat. I have seen people use glitches in the game to find a way to get inside walls and shoot everyone, with the protection of a wall in front of them! God, I hate them! It makes me want to put scorpions in their intestines! Also, I have seen people use codes allowing them to fly and be invincible. Oh, well. Soon, when things get worked out with the upcoming hard drive attachment, we will be able to download patches to prevent this stuff. That's about the only bad thing I can say about the game, so I highly recommend it, dudes.