SHIT YOU NEED

There are several everyday things that we all need to survive-– food, air, water, and shelter. Let me add to this, "gum". As someone with a severe oral fixation, I always seem to need something to drink or chew on. Gum keeps me from replying in a way that would surely get me fired when someone I work with says something stupid enough to kill all living things within a ten mile radius. It also eases any paranoia I may have about having dragon breath after having a half-caf double-latte espresso mocha and a garlic bagel. As with every product on the market, there are Cadillacs and there are Geo Metros. These three gums are all Cadillacs, so you can expect to pay a little more for them. (Actually, since two of them are imports, maybe they’re more like Jaguars. Are Jags imports? I don’t know much about cars, so maybe this whole car/gum analogy thing is a bad idea.) Anyway, here they are in order of awesomeness:
3. Black Black
Standard stick-shaped Japanese gum with a strong minty Altoid kick. The real selling point of this gum is that it's caffeinated-– woohoo! It’s a great conversation piece, because it looks cool coming out of your pocket. Especially if you’re one of those creepy people who wears black all the time! What could be more goth than gum called Black Black? (Maybe gum called "Jeff the Vampire".) If you’re lucky, you may find a special added bonus in your pack of Black Black. Every once in a while, you’ll find a wrapper that has the awkwardly translated phrase "Yes, chewing!" on it. Treasure it. This is as good as your life will ever get. The flavor of this one is the least tasty, and doesn’t last very long, but it’s got caffeine-– woohoo! Think of it as a chewy breath mint-– use until dragon breath disappears, then dispose.
2. Orbit – Bubblemint
The only domestic release to make it into my top three. The stick is what I call a Jumbo-Trident size (1 3/4" x 1/2") and comes in a thin, flip-top box. I have not tried any of the other flavors in the Orbit line because this one is the bomb. It evokes childlike feelings because of its bubble gum flavor, with a just a touch of mint to make you realize that your adolescence is at an end. It reminds me of high school make out parties, where I’d be chewing peppermint gum while my make out partner-- we’ll call her "Hennifer Jerman", to hide her identity-- would be chewing Bubblicious. Good times, good times,... What? Oh yeah, on to number one!
1. Watering KissMint
This is it-- the cream of the crop; the best of the best; a god among insects. Another wonderful gum from that far-off land of soiled schoolgirl panties in vending machines. It comes in a beautifully designed flip-top metallic-printed box, with perfect 2" x 7/8" sticks lined up like soldiers ready to invade your mouth. If God breast-fed, this is what his milk would taste like. My favorite flavor is,.. uh,.. green. Well, I can’t read the writing, so I don’t know what damn flavor it is. (The blue isn’t bad, either.) This gum is like biting into mint-apple honeydew, and it lasts for years. You will get temporomandibular joint dysfunction before this chewy piece of gold goes stale.
So, that’s it. What are you waiting for? Get chewing!
Find Black Black and Watering KissMint here.
Find Orbit in your local finer convenience store, or online here.