THOUGHT POLICE

I think too much. That’s not to say that I find myself particularly intelligent or deep; it’s just that my mind sometimes goes and goes, dwelling on a particular topic, and I have no control over it. It’s a real problem.
When I was a kid, my dad once told me that I had to control my mind. That I can’t let it control me. Made no sense to me at the time. My mind is me. My mind and me seemed to be the same thing. I really didn’t get it. Looked at him like he was an idiot.
Certain thoughts always seem to just burrow into my head and stay there. I try to focus on other things, but usually can’t. Sometimes I let songs get stuck in my head. I try to get some tune, even an inane, annoying one, in my head to drown out the thoughts that are taking over. That works once in a while. For a little bit.
Other times, I write in my head. It’s practically like talking to myself. I make up little narratives or dialogues. Once in a while, I’ll create a really good one. In my head. Then I rush to write it down, thinking it could turn into something worthwhile. But, usually, by the time I get to my computer or a notebook, it’s gone. Buried by the ever-present thoughts. Lost in my head. In my selectively horrible memory. Then I return to the thoughts I was trying to drown out. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I need my very own Thought Police to patrol my brain. Lock up or, at the very least, ticket the offending thoughts that monopolize my time. Maybe just a filing system, to help me put everything in its place. Because these thoughts are usually things I need to deal with in one way or another at some point, but not all the time. And not at the expense of other, usually more immediate topics or situations.
My mind has controlled me all my life. Kept me dwelling upon things over which I’m powerless to change or fix. Finally, many years later, I’m starting to understand what my dad meant. I’m finally realizing that I have to take control of my mind.